Unruly Phoenix Xiaoyao

Prince Fu’s brain began making rapid calculations as he stared at Ning Xiaoyao’s grin and gleaming white teeth. None of his guards were here right now, nor his imperial consort who always helped him think up ideas, or his children--though he didn’t set much store in their help. He was still carrying the crime of attempted regicide on his shoulders, while Ning Yu was an unreasonable little lunatic. Prince Fu felt as if he’d been driven to a corner with no possible way out.

Ning Xiaoyao patiently waited for Prince Fu to express his terms while reminding herself at the same time that this fatty wasn’t a zombie, so she couldn’t crush his brains outright if they started fighting.

“You,” Prince Fu said after a long time in thought. “Are you still going to offer your life in place of money?”

“No,” Ning Xiaoyao replied, “I can give you an IOU.”

“..........” said Prince Fu. Is this any different from pledging your life in place of your money? Aren’t you still reneging on a debt all the same?!

“Come on,” Ning Xiaoyao said, “State a price.”

Prince Fu opened his mouth to speak, but Ning Xiaoyao raised a hand. “Hold on. Since you’re my uncle and we’re one family, you should give me a cheaper price. At least, it should be lower than the market price.”

Prince Fu started trembling all over again.

“Uncle,” Ning Xiaoyao called out sincerely.

“Now you remember that I’m your imperial uncle?” Once again, Prince Fu couldn’t hold back his temper. He roared, “When you kicked me--when you stuffed that dagger into my hands--why didn’t a crazy idiot like you remember that I was your imperial uncle then?!”

Ning Xiaoyao raised a hand to wipe at her face, because this uncle of hers had sent his spittle flying all over her. 𝘧𝘳𝐞𝚎𝑤ℯ𝘣𝗻𝘰ѵℯl.c𝐨𝚖

“May prince guard your tongue,” Supreme Commander Lou finally spoke up. Prince Fu gave a start when he raised his head and saw Lou Zigui standing to the left and behind of Ning Xiaoyao. That’s right. He’d almost forgotten that Ning Yu had this star of misfortune, Lou Zigui, helping him out. A cold chill ran down his back.

“Come on, give a price,” Ning Xiaoyao said.

Prince Fu gritted his teeth. “I don’t want money.”

Ning Xiaoyao immediately broke into a grin. “You’re giving it to me for free?”

“......” said Prince Fu.

“..............” said everyone else.

What kind of fantasy are you living in?

“Agree to fulfill two of my conditions and I’ll give you the land,” Prince Fu said. At this, Lou Zigui stepped forward to stand beside Ning Xiaoyao, looking coldly at Prince Fu.

“Don’t worry, Supreme Commander,” Prince Fu said, “This prince won’t ask for the imperial throne.”

Ning Xiaoyao laughed out loud. “Even if you did, I wouldn’t give it to you, ah.”

Prince Fu narrowly avoided spitting up blood again.

“Speak, what two conditions?” Ning Xiaoyao asked. Lou Zigui didn’t hold out much hope for Prince Fu, Ning Guangshun’s two conditions. They would probably be impossible requests.

Prince Fu said, “I like the set of 24 brushes etched with Jiangnan designs that the late emperor bestowed to the Grand Preceptor. Have the Grand Preceptor hand over his treasured brushes to me.” Everyone in the world knows the Grand Preceptor treasures those brushes like his life. Ning Yu, you and the Grand Preceptor are like fire and water right now. How could Xie Wenyuan hand them over to you? Moreover, Prince Fu thought gloomily as he looked at Ning Xiaoyao. That’s a gift bestowed by the late emperor. Could you take it by force? That would be completely shameless.

The little person in Ning Xiaoyao’s heart was doing a tiny dance, but she reminded herself not to smile. This wasn’t the time to let Prince Fu know she already had the brushes, because this fatty had yet another condition. Lou Zigui turned away to look at a corner of the prison cell. Right now, His Excellency Supreme Commander had no idea what kind of expression he should be making. How could something so coincidental happen?

Prince Fu looked at Ning Xiaoyao’s expressionless face and said, “Can Your Majesty fulfill this condition?”

Ning Xiaoyao replied, “That’s my business. Say your second condition.”

Prince Fu said, “Make me lose weight from eating meat at every meal.”

A few of the Dragon Guards sucked in their breaths at this declaration. How is that possible? This was a prince who ate a mouthful of meat with every sip of water he drank. How are you supposed to lose weight if you eat meat for every meal?

Shadowgale ran to Ning Xiaoyao’s side and bent down to whisper in her ear. “Prince Fu once suffered from a serious illness. After taking the medicine for it, he grew fat, but none of the imperial physicians could ever make him skinny again. Moreover, Your Majesty, the Grand Preceptor said he’s lost that set of brushes. Did Prince Fu plan this out with Grand Preceptor Xie ahead of time?”

While reminding His Majesty that it was impossible for Prince Fu to lose weight, Shadowgale had shared his conspiracy theories as well. How could everything be so serendipitous? Just when Grand Preceptor Xie lost his brushes, Prince Fu was demanding them as part of his terms?

Ning Xiaoyao nodded at Shadowgale. “Very well, I understand.” She had her own idea about Prince Fu’s chubbiness after touching him earlier. His weight wasn’t caused by the medicine taken during his illness, but a benign tumor that had developed in his brain. Fortunately, the tumor hadn’t grown any bigger despite remaining in his head for all these years. Neither did it turn malignant. However, it had caused endocrine imbalance in Prince Fu, thus resulting in his weight gain. As long as she treated his illness, he’d be able to lose weight. By now, the little person in Ning Xiaoyao’s heart was singing as well as dancing. She was going to get her 10,000 plots of fertile farmland! (o(≧v≦)o)

Shadowgale looked at Ning Xiaoyao. What are you going to do?

Ning Xiaoyao turned back to Prince Fu and said, “You only have these two conditions?”

“Just these two,” Prince Fu said.

“You’re certain?”

“Certain!” Prince Fu nodded his head furiously. Ning Xiaoyao rose to her feet. She couldn’t agree just like that; she needed to do something so the fatty couldn’t go back on his words.

“Your Majesty.” Supreme Commander Lou led His Majesty Ning aside to a corner again. “It’s easy enough to fulfill his first request, but it’s impossible to make Prince Fu lose weight. He’s simply plaguing Your Majesty with unreasonable demands.”

Ning Xiaoyao was all smiles as she said in a low voice, “Supreme Commander, did you forget? If I can treat your wounds, why can’t I make Fatty Fu skinny?”

Lou Zigui seemed doubtful. “Is there really a medicine that can make people skinnier? He even wants meat for every meal.”

Ning Xiaoyao reply, “It’s fine. Even if he drinks oil for every meal, I still have ways to make him skinny.”

“You have a handle on things?” Lou Zigui still didn’t believe it.

“I do,” Ning Xiaoyao nodded. “If nothing else works, I’ll just cut the meat from his body!”

Lou Zigui glanced at Prince Fu, who looked like a mountain of flesh as he sat on the ground, and felt that this was a solution as well. “He never said he had to be alive after he lost weight,” Lou Zigui lowered his voice to murmur. “Then we might as well slice off all his flesh.”

(￣△￣；) , went Ning Xiaoyao. It’s only losing weight. Do you have to be so savage and cruel?

Prince Fu suddenly felt a chill and shrank back his neck. ƒ𝐫𝒆𝐞w𝗲𝚋𝗻૦𝘷e𝙡.c𝑜𝙢

“He's really shameless,” Shadowthunder muttered to a few of his comrades. All of the Dragon Guards nodded in assent. He’s supposed to be a prince, but he still makes such rascally demands.

“You can't just agree to him like this,” Lou Zigui told Ning Xiaoyao.

Ning Xiaoyao hastened to nod her head. “I was thinking of that, too. Supreme Commander, should we find some people as witnesses?”

“Find Elder Li.” That was Lou Zigui’s first thought.

“Does it have to be him?” Ning Xiaoyao looked pained.

Lou Zigui nodded before he explained. “He has a reputation for being upright and fair. The people of the world trust his words.”

“Alright,” Ning Xiaoyao said. “Then it'll be that old man. Anyone else?”

“Have the imperial clansmen enter the palace,” Lou Zigui said. “Your Majesty will have to let them know that you didn't force Prince Fu.”

“Mm,” Ning Xiaoyao agreed. “All I did was kick him once.”

“There's no need to mention that,” Lou Zigui had to stick with logic. Wasn't hitting someone the same as forcing them? Why didn't this girl understand such logic?

“He was the one who told me to kill him,” Ning Xiaoyao said. “I didn't kill him, but I did kick him once. What else can be said?”

Lou Zigui merely nodded his head. His Majesty had left him with no way to retort again. Ning Xiaoyao walked to Prince Fu and said, “Do you want to think it over and pick some other conditions?”

I just knew it'd be impossible for you little lunatic. Prince Fu’s heart filled with joy as he shook his head. “There are no other conditions. Your Majesty, if you can accomplish these two requests, I'll even give you the cultivated fields within those 10,000 plots of fertile farmland!”

Ning Xiaoyao opened and closed her mouth. So it's not just 10,000 plots of fertile farmland?

Prince Fu asked, “What does Your Majesty think?”

“I'll go think it over,” Ning Xiaoyao said as she stepped out of the cell.

Lou Zigui leaned against the wall with the hole and smiled coldly. As soon as Ning Xiaoyao left the cell, she told Lou Zigui, “Supreme Commander, you go write up a contract.”

Lou Zigui didn't understand. “A contract?”

“Oh, like an official dispatch.”

“Are you talking about a written agreement?”

“Whatever,” Ning Xiaoyao said. Lou Zigui rested a hand on his forehead. How could this be a whatever matter?

“If I fulfill both of Fatty Fu’s conditions, all the cultivated fields within his lands would belong to me, too. Supreme Commander, all you have to do is write down that agreement. Then he and I will sign the paper in front of Elder Li and the others. No, wait, I'll stamp it with the Imperial Jade Seal.” Ning Xiaoyao suddenly recalled.

“...........” said everyone else. That's not how you use an Imperial Jade Seal, right?

Supreme Commander Lou nodded before he went to find brush and paper to pen the agreement.

“Windy,” said Ning Xiaoyao. “Go find Elder Li and bring him into the palace. Even if he's sleeping, wake him up and invite him over.”

Shadowgale accepted the decree and left. How could Elder Li be sleeping now? He's probably still at the Grand Preceptor’s estate.

Ning Xiaoyao next looked at Shadowrain and Shadowbolt. “Third Rain, you'll bring the imperial clansmen here. Fourth Lightning, go get the Imperial Jade Seal from my rooms.”

Both Shadowrain and Shadowbolt assented and withdrew. Only Shadowthunder was left to scratch at his cheek as he asked, “Your Majesty, can you really make Prince Fu lose weight?”

Ning Xiaoyao replied, “I can.”

Shadowthunder was an honest man who spoke what he thought. “For real?”

“No problem,” Ning Xiaoyao said as she cast a secretive look at the Dragon Guards. “Supreme Commander says that if nothing works, we can slice off his flesh.”

The Dragon Guards felt their own flesh aching at the idea.

One hour later, Shadowgale brought Elder Li to the prison cells. Ning Xiaoyao had been having staring contests with the imperial clansmen for quite a while now when they arrived. Instead of having Elder Li pay his respects, Ning Xiaoyao greeted him first. “Old Grandfather, hello. There's no need to bow, we're going to get proper business done.”

Elder Li bent forward. “This subject thanks Your Majesty. I'm not sure which business Your Majesty is referring to?”

Lou Zigui stepped forward and handed over the finished written agreement. Elder Li read through it rapidly before he was infuriated into laughter. Was he brought over to witness a joke? Afterwards, Supreme Commander Lou brought the agreement to the imperial clansmen for review, each of whom wore 囧 expressions towards Ning Xiaoyao when they were done. Are you making fun of us?