Because I Cannot Hurt You

Han Villa.

After finishing her chores for the day, Xinyi sat down on her study desk and unlocked the drawer. She took out a small notebook, precisely her diary.

She opened the page to yesterday's date.

Xinyi had a habit of writing her memoirs in a diary. Old-fashioned, it may seem in this digital age, but she liked the smell of books and writing hand-written accounts of everything that she experienced. She felt more connected that way whenever she jotted down her emotions from her heart and onto the page.

She didn't get any time to write last night, and now she finally got the chance.

Her lips curved into a gentle smile as she slowly began writing.

'Today, in preschool, the teacher praised Siying for writing the best essay. Siying was so happy and excited that he couldn't stop himself from jumping up and down the whole time.'

Xinyi chuckled.

'I feel so proud of my son. I cannot even remember when I fearlessly spoke in front of my class when I was young. I was always so scared of public speaking, and I am still now a little bit. That's why I am so glad that he took after Zhiyuan.

To celebrate this achievement, we had a pastry party. The chocolate cream completely smeared Siying's mouth, but even so, he just looked so adorable with his messy hands and face.'

Then her expression slowly turned grim.

'And once again, Grandpa lashed out at Zhiyuan. He yelled at him and even beat him on the shoulder. I…don't like it at all, even though he was doing it for me. I cannot see Zhiyuan in pain. The injury on his shoulder had turned so blue. It must be hurting him a lot, right? But I couldn't do anything to help him. I feel so useless…'

Her eyes teared up, and her fingers slightly trembled.

'Siying got afraid too. He had clutched onto my arm so tightly. He was in pain just like me, seeing Zhiyuan bearing everything without a word. But Grandpa never listens to me. No matter how much I beg him to stop, he doesn't, and everytime...it feels like my heart is crushed to see Zhiyuan hurt because I love him so much.

I love Zhiyuan so much. So I... really pray that this ends one day. I want this family to be happy and without arguments. I don't want Zhiyuan to get hurt anymore. I want Grandpa to forgive him and let everything go. So please let that day come soon.'

'In the end, my dear diary, I say to you that I trust Zhiyuan. He is searching for...her, but I also know why. So, I have complete faith in him.

I love Zhiyuan. And I trust him too.'

Xinyi closed her diary and took a few breaths to calm down.

Sometimes, writing those events would take an emotional toll on her because it was like she was going through it all over again as she recalled it. All those feelings and the heartache; she felt them again as she moved her pen.

"Mama!"

The door opened, and Siying excitedly hopped to Xinyi's side.

Xinyi slowly opened her eyes and secretly wiped the corner of her eyes. Then she looked at her son and brightly smiled.

"Siying. You seem really excited. What happened?"

"Mama. Leina is back! And Aunt Ah Cy too!"

Xinyi then remembered. "Oh yes... they were supposed to be back last night."

She flicked herself on her head. "I forgot to call Ay Cy."

"Mama. Leina said that she would come to the school tomorrow again, and Aunt Ah Cy brought a lot of gifts for us from her trip!" His gaze sparkled.

Xinyi picked him in her lap and chuckled. "Is that so? Well, don't forget to thank Aunt Ah Cy and Uncle Liang for the gifts, okay?"

He furiously nodded. "Yes, Mama. And I will meet Leina tomorrow too," but then he sulked, "but she bullies me sometimes…"

Xinyi laughed. "It's alright. That's just a little teasing. All friends do that. You are her good friend, right?"

Siying thought hard.

"Hey!" She softly twisted his ear.

Siying giggled. "Yes, yes! We are good friends."

Xinyi nodded, satisfied. "En. So don't mind it. Leina is not bullying you. She is just a little playful. And we only show that side to whom we are super close."

"Okay, Mama."

Then his sight fell onto her diary on her desk. It had beautiful art on the front cover.

"That book is so pretty!" He exclaimed. "What book is it, Mama?"

Xinyi said, "Oh, this? It's my diary."fre𝙚𝓌𝒆𝚋noѵel.c𝚘m

Siying cutely furrowed his brows. "What is a diary?"

"Hmm…it's a book where I write down my thoughts and memories of what happens every day."

Siying blinked his eyes. "Why do you need to write it? Don't you remember?"

She chuckled. "It's not about whether I remember them or not. Writing makes you organized. Sometimes, you understand your feelings clearer when you put them into words. You understand situations better when you sit to write down later and reflect upon them. It helps us find our own emotions that we may not have discovered earlier when everything just happens in a rush. It calms you down. It gives you time to think. And it gives you space to write your real feelings without anybody judging them."

Siying tried his best to look like he understood, but he failed to do so. He understood the first part a little bit about being organized and feeling but not the second half.

Xinyi realized it and laughed. "Oh, dear. I am so sorry. I got caught in the flow, haha…" she scratched her head.

"No, Mama. I understand...a little…"

She kissed his cheeks. "It's okay. You don't have to understand everything right now."

He nodded. "I will try writing a dairy too!"

"Oh. Oopsie~~" he grinned.

The door opened again, and Zhiyuan entered, looking a little lost.

"Dada, look! Mama's diary is so pretty! She says she writes her memories in it!" Siying excitedly exclaimed to let Zhiyuan know that he learned something new today.

Xinyi froze.

It didn't matter if Siying knew about her diary, but she never wanted to let Zhiyuan see it.

She clutched her dress in panic.

After all, her diary had her most vulnerable feelings and the past buried in it.

"Z-Zhiyuan..."

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