Etsusa Bridge

“Hello, friends! Thank you for once again taking an interest in this island. Today we have a very simple tale to tell.

'Boy meets girl'!

A basic part of any story, no? The encounter of a murderer boy and a mysterious girl who happens to be a self-proclaimed detective. And the clumsy steps they dance together. That is today’s story.

Simple. …But on whose strings are they dancing? The Witch of the West? Or the Rogue of the East? The two dogs who found themselves back at the island? The guard dog of the volunteer police? The kitten of the Guard Team? Or me, Spring-heeled Joplin? …Or maybe you.

After all, everyone who sets foot on this island has the right to make others dance.”

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<Heehahahaha!

Geniuses! Normals! Idiots! Everyone doin’ all right?

Though even prodigies aren’t worth shit the moment they set foot on this island! Heehahaha!

Lemme get to the point here on today’s ‘Anything Airwaves’. The theme is, ‘Who would win if the Western and Eastern Districts had an all-out war?’.

Hmm… this question comes from a Mr. Spring-heeled Joplin, age unknown!

…What the hell is our island’s very own urban legend trying to pull?! Ah well.

To give a personal analysis, I’d just let my bias speak for itself and give Kuzuhara of the Western District the gold medal here. But then all you listeners’d bring up the Eastern District’s infamous killing murdering human human slaughterhouse, Yakumo Amagiri! Doesn’t that sound like one hell of a show? It’s worth slitting your mama’s throat for tickets to a show that damned awesome! Heehehehe!

Even I can’t tell who’d win in a fight. The odds are 0.00 in favor of neither!

It’s clear as crystal—betting on either’s a bad gamble. The banker would run off with the pot! Heehahaha! And let’s be honest here. What would a human humanslaughterhouse do against a dog, anyway? Not even our island’s very own Holmes rip-off siblings could deduct this shit!

…Sorry for the exaggeration, folks. Our two idiotic ripoffs couldn’t even deduct the outcome of Mike Tyson vs. a grade schooler! Heehahahahaha!>

Brother: Charlotte, do you think the DJ’s talking about us?

Sister: Heh heh heh. That’s an interesting deduction, Sherlock. But do you have the evidence to back up your claim?

Brother: No, but this is definitely about us. We have to face reality.

Sister: That aside, Sherlock…

Brother: Hm?

Sister: Mike Tyson would be the favorite to win, from a normal perspective. But what if the grade schooler was an armed Shaolin-trained master? But then what if Mike Tyson had a nuke button at the ready? Hmm… a challenging conundrum! Heh heh heh… if we can figure out the winner, we can prove that we are not the idiot siblings the DJ is referring to!

Brother: Please figure out the fact that you’re already an idiot for actually taking this deduction seriously…

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East

<Jokes aside, if East and West really went all out, you couldn’t leave out the Guard Team. The boss of the Eastern District is a real rogue, no question about it!

Being a rogue means he’s got lots of interests, which is how he managed to scrounge together a bunch of people obsessed with their own crazy interests… and that is your friendly neighborhood Guard Team! ‘Friendly’ if you’re in the Eastern District, anyway.

Jun the chainsaw-wielding kitten! Zhang, champion of the underground wrestling ring! And watch out for Carlos—he’s got guns hidden everywhere! There’s Yen the number-freak, Mohawk Gorō the cleanup hitter, Marui the walking encyclopedia, Digitalis of the Sleeping Fist, Mr. Gen and his fourth-dimension armory, and Mii the happy drunk. Oh, and watch out for Lili the S&M lady—she’s a mother of two!

Also worth keeping an eye out for is Nazuna Yukimura, who is crazy for the sword!

In other words, every man and woman on this team is missing a screw or ten! Is there no hope for flowers like executives Yili and Lilei of the Western District here?

…Then again, Jun the captain is more than a match for Yili in a battle of hotness! She might look like a creepy shut-in, but no one can stop her once she’s got something long in her hands! FYI, on hot nights, Jun. Sleeps. Topless!>

Jun: ‘H-hotness’? A-and how did she know that I sleep topless—

Carlos: Heh! Even with the voice distortion, Kelly’s voice is the pinnacle of charm.

Zhang: Boss… shouldn’t we do something ‘bout this radio?

Gitarin: Ah… I think it’s pretty interesting. So it’s all right. So long as I approve, I believe this program should be allowed to continue! In fact, I demand that they start a new erotic programming block for the late-night hours!

Zhang: With a boss like this, I’m surprised our bigwigs are still holding the district together.

Gen: Hey, now it’s even listing off our ages and hobbies.

Zhang: …Hey, boss. This is breach of privacy or something. You sure we shouldn’t stop them?

Gitarin: This isn’t a problem at all.

Carlos: Why not?

Gitarin: What is there to hide at this point? Kelly’s informant in this case happens to be none other than me—grk!

Jun: Mr. Gen, no! You can’t pull a Neck Hanging Tree on the boss!

Nazuna: Then should I just cut him down?

Jun: No! You can’t do that, either!

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West

<And as for the Western District… frankly, the volunteer cops are shit without Kuzuhara!

But that doesn’t mean the Western District should cry themselves to sleep every night! They’ve got their trusty executives on their side—the villains of the round table!

You people only know ‘bout Yili ‘cause she’s the face. Which makes sense. I mean, just look at her! She’s beautiful! Sexy, even! Doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman, people drool over her like dogs! Hell yeah! Approved!

But that doesn’t mean the Western District is easy to approach! About the only exec you can get friendly with is Taifei, their intel guy! His belly ain’t the only thing round about him—he’s got a rounded personality to match!

Then you have prickly execs like Lihuang, an overseer! He looks like the kinda guy who’d murder you just for breathing his air, so watch out! Unlike his sister Yili, he’s not going to bother trying to sound nice!

His other little sister, Lilei, is more of a dark beauty. Ever seen an expressionless girl with huge-ass tits cuddling some of the Rats? Surprise, surprise! She’s actually an exec! A creepy but adorable and thrifty part of the organization! This is the definition of creepy-cute! I like it! And then there’s—>

Yili: The ‘face’, is it? …I suppose that impression makes things easier for me.

Taifei: Don’t worry about it. *Chomp* The DJ probably knows how dangerous you can be. Man, this mochi is really good.

Lihuang: How does a simple radio station know our names? Why do you not eliminate this nuisance, Yili?

Yili: There’s no need to waste time and resources eliminating something that isn’t even a threat.

Lihuang: Making excuses for your incompetence?

Yili: Oh? Managing the island is your job. Blaming others for your own incompetence now, are we?

Lihuang: How dare you—

Taifei: *Munch* Managing and controlling information is my job—so let’s just say this leak is my fault and stop arguing… *munch*

Lihuang: Tch! …Lilei! What of you? You would not normally hesitate to erase fools like her.

Lilei: …Adorable. It said. So it is okay.

Lihuang: I don’t believe this… You lot lack nothing for matching the madmen of the Eastern District!

Yili: That’s almost an honor.

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Dramatis Personae

Yakumo Amagiri: The man rumored to be the island’s most atrocious killer. His catchphrase is “I’m normal”.

Charlotte: A clumsy half-American half-British girl who’s all about detective work.

Sherlock: Charlotte’s younger brother. Sardonic.

Jun Sahara: The captain of the Eastern District’s Guard Team.

Sōji Kuzuhara: A former police officer, and captain of the Western District’s volunteer police force. The island’s guard dog.

Kelly: An informer and the producer of Buruburu Airwaves, a pirate radio station.

Gitarin: The boss of the organization that controls the Eastern District. Also known as the Demonic Rogue.

Yili: An executive of the organization that controls the Western District. Half-Chinese and half-British. 𝙛𝐫e𝚎wℯ𝗯𝒏𝗼ѵ𝙚l.𝒄o𝚖

Yua: A girl with the goal of creating a map of the artificial island her father helped to design.

Nejiro: The leader of the Rats, a group of children who grew up on the artificial island.

Hayato Inui: A former bandit, currently a pirate. The mad dog who was once at the center of the Pits.

Seiichi Kugi: A young man who has given up on everything. Previously Yili’s right-hand hunting dog. f𝘳𝚎𝐞we𝐛𝑛𝐨𝘃e𝘭.co𝘮

Spring-heeled Joplin: The island's urban legend.

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It occurred to me that the sky was blue.

That was why I killed people.

That was reason enough on this island.

Actually, you didn’t really need a reason. But I’m not strong enough to kill people for no reason at all.

The reason was always different, but I started to get sick of repeating them to myself all the time.

And eventually, when I killed people, I found myself thinking stuff like,

‘Because the sky is blue’. ‘Because it’s raining’. ‘Because it’s nighttime’.

Because I’m on this island.

That was why I killed people.

I killed them. I killed them. I killed them.

That’s right. What I really wanted to tell myself wasn’t the reason I killed.

I just want to remind myself that I killed people. So I would never look away. So I would face my own wrongdoings. That’s why I faced that nauseating truth endlessly, again and again and again and again!

And eventually, that nausea turned to pleasure.

To remind me of myself—no, for simple peace of mind. For entertainment—

I will kill people again today.

And if I’m still clearly aware of all that… I… I must still be normal.

What a relief. It looks like I haven’t gone crazy yet.

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