Hear My Heart: My World Falls into the River of Love

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Doctor Zeng had been introduced to Jian Yan by Lin Zhen. For the past several years, she went to psychotherapy at this place.

Because work had kept her very busy until now in addition to the fact that her state of mind had been relatively stable, she hadn’t gone to this counseling room for awhile. She hadn’t expected that she would contact Doctor Zeng today of her own accord.

“How about this, I have half an hour free tomorrow morning at 9:00AM, so you can come then.”

“Okay.” Jian Yan made her appointment and hung up. She felt that her current state was not well, so she deliberately kept drawing until 10:00PM before going to bed.

She had a hot bath before going to bed, but it didn’t seem to help her sleep that much. She still had a bad dream.

In the dream, her house only had four bare walls. Her father was a drunkard, and there were creditors spraying red paint on the doorway. It seemed so real that when Jian Yan woke up, her forehead was shining with perspiration.

Only after she had taken a few deep breaths could she gradually calm her heart that was beating like a drum. She headed to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of warm milk. Jian Yan cupped the glass in her hands and walked back upstairs, glancing at the time on her phone.

It was 2:30AM.

She sighed, afraid that she would have another nightmare if she went back to sleep. She searched through her playlist on her phone for Nan Si’s song and then put on her headphones.

Listening to this kind of expressive song in the quietness of the witching hour, coupled with Nan Si’s unique, magnetic voice and singing, Jian Yan felt that she had obtained safety.

Jian Yan finished drinking her glass of milk and once again closed her eyes.

This time, she had a dreamless sleep.

The next morning, her biological clock woke her up on time. After she finished eating breakfast, Jian Yan arrived at the psychological counselling room ten minutes early. Doctor Zeng had yet to return to her office, so the female secretary at the front desk greeted her.

“Miss Jian, please wait a moment; Doctor Zeng will arrive soon.” The receptionist invited her to sit down on the sofa in the counseling room and even gave her a cup of hot water.

“Thank you.” Jian Yan sat down and waited for a while. Doctor Zeng pushed open the door and stepped through the doorway of the counseling room.

“Good morning.” She took off her coat and hung it on the rack, before walking up and sitting opposite Jian Yan. “The plaid coat you’re wearing is nice.”

Jian Yan said, “Thank you; it’s my design. Not long ago, Bunny released a joint collaboration line.”

Doctor Zeng nodded after a flash of understanding. “It did feel somewhat familiar. In fact, I have always liked plaid, but layering plaid on plaid always felt superfluous.”

“You can try matching different colors and different thicknesses of plaid together.”

Doctor Zeng thought for a moment before saying, “I’ll try that next time.”

Jian Yan asked, “So am I getting a discount for my consultation later?”

Doctor Zeng smiled and replied, “Sure, I’ll give you 9.9% off.”

Jian Yan: “…”

So her fashion consultation was only worth 10%?

“Come tell me about this male colleague of yours.” Doctor Zeng very quickly got to the root of the problem. “I remember that your assistants are all female, so why do you have a male colleague?”

“I recently started working at Starlight General Merchandise as a sales assistant in order to gather source material for a new project.”

Doctor Zeng seemed to be somewhat surprised, but she rapidly accepted this explanation. “So it was like this. 《 Satisfactory 》 just finished, so why don’t you rest for a while? Are you still extremely restless and having nightmares?”

“I actually hadn’t had nightmares for a very long time, but I had one again last night.”

Doctor Zeng nodded and said, “It seems that your male colleague truly had an immense influence on you. You said he pulled your hand. What happened specifically?”

“We were going out to eat, and I was walking quite hurriedly, nearly running into a car, so he pulled me back. In middle high school, that male classmate merely pulled on my plait, yet I beat him up and sent him to the hospital.”

“There should be many reasons behind this. In middle high school, you were still too young and highly impulsive, not as good as an adult at managing your own emotions. On the other hand, you have been receiving therapy for a long time, and this might have had an effect as well.”

Jian Yan pondered this and said, “But when I touch the male sex, I still feel very uncomfortable. I normally will maintain a fixed distance from them, but when he touched me yesterday, it wasn’t as disgusting as I had imagined it to be.”

Doctor Zeng said, “This might be a good change. Can you describe your male colleague?”

“Mn…” Jian Yan spent a little bit of time organizing her words. “He is the director there, is very tall and very handsome, and has a very pleasant voice. He also treats his employees pretty well. But…”

“But what?”

“He seems to be bent. I think that it might be because of this that I am not so disgusted with him.”

Doctor Zeng sunk into silence. A moment later, she asked, “How do you know he is bent?”

“Through some spider’s thread and horse track currently being circulated through the entire store.”

Doctor Zeng remained silent even longer this time before saying to her, “Three men talking makes a tiger. These rumors might not be true.”

“But last time when Lin Zhen and I went out to eat, we just happened to run into him. His best friend requested a song to declare his feelings for him.”

……

Doctor Zeng said, “I think, perhaps, that you should try to get to know him.”

“Get to know him?”

“Mhmm. Maybe this way, you can find out why you aren’t disgusted with him.”

Jian Yan didn’t say anything, seemingly pondering on this. Doctor Zeng continued onto another topic. “You said you had a nightmare last night. What did you dream about?”

“Oh, it’s still that one, something from my childhood.”

“Such as the creditors?”

“Mn.”

“You are now earning a lot of money and don’t owe debt to anyone. There isn’t anyone who would come seek you out to collect debt. Relax a little.”

Jian Yan sighed. “I understand your words, but I don’t have a choice.”

Doctor Zeng looked at her and pondered. When she had first come to her, her mental state had been far from being as good as it currently was. Without money, she would feel extremely restless, and only by incessantly earning money could she feel some reprieve in that kind of situation. These past two years, her works had sold tremendously well, and the generous income had slightly alleviated the restlessness within her heart. There still wasn’t, however, a way to eradicate it completely.

Some psychological traumas would slowly heal over time, but some traumas would engrave itself into one’s heart like a deep brand. No matter how many years had passed, it would never disappear. All she could do was help her patiently alleviate this kind of pain.

“If earning money can give you a sense of security, I actually support your great efforts in earning money. Work, however, still has a limit; after all, it’s the body that is the revolutionary asset. Only when you are alive can you earn even more money.”

Jian Yan felt that this made sense. “Every year, I schedule a physical examination.”

“But a physical examination is not enough. You need to rest and relax more frequently.”

Jian Yan nodded. “I understand. Lin Zhen is letting me start a new manhua after Lunar New Year. Until then, I can rest as much as possible.”

“This is best. Perhaps one day, you can find something that gives you an even greater sense of security than money.”

“Like what?”

Doctor Zeng smiled and didn’t reply to her. Instead, she talked about Doctor Zhang next door. “Doctor Zhang always believed that love can cure the vast majority of mental illnesses. It seems somewhat unbelievable, but he once had a patient suffering from split personality disorder. Indeed, after meeting a woman, now his wife, he didn’t need medication and recovered.”

Jian Yan forced a smile. “What a pity. I have misandry.”

Doctor Zeng glanced at her. “You know, you don’t need to accept all the men in this world. As long as there is one man that you can accept, that is enough.”

Even after leaving Doctor Zeng’s place, Jian Yan was still considering these words. She wasn’t sure if she should follow Doctor Zeng’s words. Try to get to know Director He?

Driving her car down the street with a distracted heart and chaotic thoughts, Jian Yan suddenly somewhat missed her mom. Realizing that she hadn’t visited her mom in over a month, Jian Yan turned her head at the intersection up ahead and began driving to her mom’s place.

On the way there, she conveniently passed a global cosmetic store. Jian Yan entered to buy her mom a set of skincare products.

Her mom still lived in the house they had stayed in when they just moved to A City. She had asked her mom several times to move in with her, but her mom didn’t want to.

Recently, A City’s economy was flying upwards swiftly, but there were still some places that retained the original, old housing structures. Jian Yan drove her car on a somewhat bumpy road and just happened to see her mom carrying a plate of food, standing downstairs and talking with a few aunties.

“I have also watched old Zhou’s family’s daughter grow up. In the blink of an eye, her son has already reached his first full year. Time is passing by really fast.”

“That’s right. Speaking of this, Jian Yan is already twenty-seven to twenty-eight, right? How come she still hasn’t found a partner yet?”

“Right, right. How about I introduce a person to your family’s Jian Yan some other time?” ｆ𝘳e𝒆w𝗲𝐛𝘯𝐨νe𝚕.cｏ𝓶

Jian Yan’s mom smiled and said, “Not in a hurry.”

“You’re still not in a hurry? A woman grows old very quickly. After thirty, even a blind date wouldn’t have a market for them.”

Jian Yan’s mom still smiled and said, “You say this, but our family’s Jian Ya isn’t a commodity.”

“Ai, don’t dislike my words because they don’t sound good. Giving birth at an old age isn’t good, right?”

“Now that medicine has advanced so much, I see there are plenty of people who give birth when they are over thirty, and furthermore, they may not even want to give birth yet.”

The neighboring auntie seemed to be somewhat shocked. “What meaning does a woman have if she isn’t married and has no child?”

Sou— Jian Yan drove past and parked her car in front of the many aunties. She carried the skincare products she bought for her mom and walked out of her car in knee-high boots. “Mother.”

Jian Yan’s mom stared blankly at her before saying, “Yan Yan, why did you come visit?”

Jian Yan smiled and walked up to hold her hand. “I missed you, so I came to visit. Oh, that’s right. These are skincare products I bought for you.”

Her mom looked at the items she was carrying and said, “You spent money recklessly again. These have some hideously messy foreign language written on them too.”

“How did I spend money recklessly? These were only a few ten thousand yuan and were made in France. There are Chinese labels on the back.”

To the side, many of the aunties’ complexions subtly changed. Jian Yan’s mom said, “I wouldn’t need to use these.”

“How come you don’t need to use these? You haven’t even reached fifty years. You still need to take good care of yourself. These skincare products have been specially developed for a person of your age.”

“Okay, okay, okay. You always have explanations.”

Jian Yan laughed. The auntie who had just wanted to introduce her to a marriage prospect spoke up. “Jian Yan ah, in the long time that I haven’t seen you, you’ve grown even more beautiful.”

Jian Yan quipped, “It’s mainly because of my mother’s good genes.”

The auntie laughed gently. “Just now we were talking about introducing you to a few partners. What type do you want?”

“Me?” Jian Yan thought for a moment. “I don’t have many requests; he just needs to makes more money than me. A man needs to have a good reputation. If I earn more than he does, he would feel embarrassed, right?”

“Right, right.”

Jian Yan smiled. “Then I’ll be troubling auntie~! His annual salary doesn’t need to be too high; one hundred million yuan is enough.”

《?? 》

Notes:

1. “Spider’s thread and horse track” (idiom) = tiny hints of a secret, traces, clues, etc. ?

2. Idiom meaning “repeated rumor becomes a fact” ?