How To Raise Your Regressor

??Now that's what I am talking about!??

If what he just revealed to me is true; that this life is going to be the most special life of all-time, then I need to take my time with it.

I have to savour every moment to get the utmost pleasure out of them.

After all, amusement is the only thing that can move my heart.

[Why are YOU so excited though?]

This guy has been laughing like a maniac for some time now.

??For the same reason as you.??

[Really?]

Could this guy be one of my people?

??Well, I'm not as far gone as you, of course. But only a few things can excite me anymore, and this right here is an event which will never happen again. So I absolutely cannot miss it.??

[You seem to know what's in store for me.]

??I don't know everything, only the crucial bits. The 'Reader' should have that privilege, no???

[You're treating my life like a story?]

Wao.

??You treat your own life like a story so who are you to blame me??? He whined.

Well, he got me there.

??Anyway, since we have almost the same goals, why don't we work together to stay out of each other's way???

[That sounds like a nice idea.]

And a welcome one.

After all, two sweaty malakas sitting together and wondering how a story will progress while panting maniacally sounds like the stuff of nightmares.

??Yikes, thanks for putting that image in my head.??

[When are you going to stop reading my thoughts?]

??Never.??

[Come again?]

I swear to God this man's confidence in establishing a communication channel with my soul is the same as a man who sends unsolicited dick pics in the group chat with the bois, and that too without any pickup line or a tactical crop.

??Just look at that. Your monologues are literally the best part of observing you. Why the fuck would I miss them???

[Seems like the concept of privacy does not exist in your homeland.]

??Ah, don't worry about that. I have placed some filters to block out extremely personal data and events. For example, if you were to sleep with Noelle tonight, my filter would automatically block all vision and sound until you were done.??

[And why the fuck would I have sex with her?]

I'm a minor for God's sake.

??Why wouldn't you sleep with her? She's a wonderful woman.??

[And that's why she deserves better.]

??Huh, you're right about that.??

…This motherfucker.

If I ever find him anywhere, I'll do what Vikings did best and use an axe to separate his body from his torso.

??The fuck? Geez, you're so violent. Are you sure you're not the psychopath here? Oh wait, you are.??

Wao.

??By the way, what's the reason behind that sarcasm of yours???

[There is none. It just developed over time.]

When you see the same stupid things again and again, you develop a certain perspective of them.

??Or maybe it's just a way of fooling yourself because you know the moment you abandon that cynic sarcasm and stop to take a look at yourself, the glass plate you're standing on will shatter and you'll fall into the bottomless madness and despair beneath you.??

Hmm, yes, the floor here is made out of floor.

[Oh wait, were you saying something?]

??I said, maybe your sarcasm is just a way of fooling yourself because you know the moment you abandon that cynic sarcasm and stop to look at yourself, the glass plate you're standing on will shatter and you'll fall into the bottomless madness and despair beneath you.??

[Oh, would you look at the time.] I looked down on my wrist.

??You don't have a watch.??

[It's about time you stopped with your personal attacks.]

I came here to test out my new rifle on a test dummy, not to get attacked by a voice speaking inside my head.

Wait, am I suffering from Schizophrenia?

??You wish you were.??

[You know what? Fuck you. I'm going home.]

??So soon???

[Then what do you want me to do? Stay around so that I can present my neck to those who would come to investigate this place?]

??Doesn't that sound exciting??? He grinned.

[Oh, fuck off!]

It does though.

??Well, if you want to be a little bitch, then you do you. Besides, you have a surprise waiting for you back at home.??

[What surprise?]

??In case you didn't know, according to the definition of surprise, I have to keep it a secret from you for it to remain a surprise.??

[Thank you for that educational answer.]

??My pleasure.??

[Also, are you going to keep talking inside my head?]

??Well, I obviously cannot pop up in front of you to converse with you.??

[Why not?]

??I won't be a 'Reader' then.??

[Shouldn't you be a 'Viewer' though?]

??I like the sound of 'Reader'.??

[Quite the fetish you have.]

It does sound better though.

??Anyway, I'll now bid you adieu as I don't want to overstay my welcome.??

[You're welcome to get the fuck outta here.]

??Ask and ye shall receive. Until next time.??

Oh my gosh, there's going to be a next time?

Hmmm, what's worse? Jumping off this bell tower and ending my life with fractured legs, a shattered spine and a broken dream, or having to deal with this guy again?

Huh, who would have thought that I would face another ethical decision of my life so soon?

??Dude, you're hurting me.?? He whined.

[Aww, just kidding, I need you.]

??Really??? His voice brightened.

[Yea, I need you to shut the fuck up.]

??…How many times were you stabbed in the back by people because of your questionable sense of humour???

[More time than I'd like to admit.] 𝙛𝔯𝒆e𝔀e𝗯𝓷𝗼𝘃e𝚕.𝒄𝗼𝗺

??Exactly. Anyway, I'll take my leave, for now.??

[Let's hope you never come back.]

??Don't worry, I'll be watching from the shadows.??

[Aren't people usually secretive about such hobbies?]

Because contrary to popular opinion, stalking is illegal.

??I'm the kind of guy who faps with both the door and the curtains on.??

[Hot damn, you're a Big D player, huh?]

??You got it. Anyway, seriously this time. Bye bye.??

[Farewell, motherfucker.]

Hmm, he hasn't replied, so I guess it would be safe to assume that he's gone.

??Haha, get pranked, fucker!??

[I knew it!]

??And bye!??

I swear to God if he comes back again anytime soon, I'll personally delete his ancestors to make sure he doesn't take birth.

Anyway, the root of Lecia's problem has been eliminated. From here on, it's up to her whether she can return to a normal life or not.

Time to go home.

I packed my sniper rifle and made my way back using a different route.

As the sun hid behind the horizon, I arrived at the guild (after ditching my rifle, of course).

"Hey, Samur! Where have you been?" Vafferan, who was at the reception for some reason, greeted me.

"I went out for a stroll."

A stroll to end the pathetic life of someone.

"That's not important right now. Lecia needs you." She grabbed my arm and dragged me upstairs.

"Why? What happened?"

"Her father died."

"Wut?"

The news of his death has already arrived at the guild? Their information network sure is scary.

"Yeah! He was murdered in broad daylight!"

"Really? Who told you that?"

"Lecia."

…

Come again?