I Can’t Be Sword God

A Simple, Kind, and Handsome Scammer

The peach leaves grew pointy, and the willow leaves covered the sky.

The girl scampered up to Li Chu.

“Hello, my name is Li Xinyi, a Violet Guard of the Imperial Administration Bureau.” Her voice was crisp, her tone soft and pleasing to the ears.

When those constables back in the duty room heard that, their jaws dropped to the floor.

This girl, who had a fierce expression and a hoarse and icy voice, suddenly turned effeminate in just the blink of an eye.

Her face-changing skill was nothing short of phenomenal.

Li Chu couldn’t care less whether she was a timid girl or a tigress. All he cared about was the name he heard—the Imperial Administration Bureau.

He quietly sighed and then cupped his hands. “My name is Li Chu, a Daoist priest from Deyun Monastery outside Yuhang Town. I guess I am no longer needed anymore since an official from the Imperial Administration Bureau is here.”

What he really meant was, ‘There goes my bounty.’

Of course, Li Chu knew what the Imperial Administration Bureau was actually doing.

The Heluo Dynasty conferred power on the Twelve Immortal Sects that were categorized into seven schools and five sects.

The Imperial Administration Bureau of the Imperial Court of Zhongzhou was one of the five major sects.

The Imperial Administration Bureau was unique among these major immortal sects in that, as much as it was an independent force, it served the Heluo Dynasty.

This involved some high-level secrets unknown to outsiders.

In short, the Imperial Administration Bureau could now be regarded as an imperial agent specializing in supernatural affairs. It had offices in all major prefectures and cities.

So Li Chu knew his place.

He got the business of helping the government to expel evil spirits only because the Imperial Administration Bureau had not come to town.

Now that the Imperial Administration Bureau had come, it was time for him to withdraw.

“Why not?” Li Xinyi broke out in a smile. “I have just got here, so I don’t really understand the situation. It would be better to have a local helping me to solve the case.”

There was a round of hemming sound behind her as soon as her voice trailed off. She could immediately imagine a group of lustful constables in her mind.

They were not human.

She quickly made the definition.

Li Chu’s eyes lit up suddenly. “The Magistrate office still needs my help?”

“Of course. Come with me later. I need a helper who knows the trade,” said Li Xinyi.

She solemnly told herself that it was for the sake of investigation.

She suspected this Daoist priest. She needed to take this opportunity to get close to him and see what he was up to.

‘That’s right. That’s it.’

Despite him not looking suspicious, she needed to learn more about him to find out the answer.

“What about my bounty?” asked Li Chu after pondering for a while.

“It will be given as originally agreed.” Li Xinyi held up her hand.

Supposedly, the bounty should not be given out since people from the Imperial Administration Bureau had come.

But the money came from the Magistrate office so it did not matter, even if the money was used to hire someone inconsequential just for the eyes’ benefit.

It mattered little for the public fund.

Li Chu broke out in a smile. He started to like this generous girl.

“It’s not about money, by the way. It is the responsibility as a cultivator to rid the devils.” He nodded.

“You have a high level of enlightenment, young Daoist,” said Li Xinyi.

‘He is so cute when he is obviously greedy for money but refuses to admit it!’ She quietly screamed in her mind.

Speaking of which, people who are greedy and people who are lustful are a perfect match.

“Thank you for the compliment, Madam.”

“I prefer you not to call me Madam. You know, I am still small.”

“Err…”

Just like that, they chatted away as she walked side by side toward the crime scene.

The constables were looking at each other.

‘She is small? Come on. She is not small at all.’

‘She is big!

‘Besides, this big madam seems to have forgotten about something.

‘Don’t you want to bring some constables with you? Although we don’t feel like going, you still have to bring a chief constable with you, at least. Don’t you think so? Ah, we’ve just realized you have knocked out the chief constable.’

Seeing the two—one handsome and the other graceful—walking away side by side, those constables started to question what they saw.

‘Are you two really serious about expelling evil spirits?’

…

Li Chu and Li Xinyi came to Lower Liu Village, where the strange case happened after walking for two or three miles along the river embankment.

The sparkling waves, the evening sun, and the warm breeze rubbing on the face along the way made the walk a pleasant one.

While on the way, Li Xinyi carefully studied Li Chu and found no real energy fluctuations in him.

So she asked, “Young Daoist, which of the Seven Realms of Celestial Beings have you reached now?”

The question startled Li Chu for a second. “What are the Seven Realms of Celestial Beings?

“Well, it is just something that doesn’t matter much.” Li Xinyi waved her hand as if it really did not matter.

Meanwhile, she had completely let go of her doubts about Li Chu.

There was no real energy fluctuation, and he did not even know what the Seven Realms of Celestial Beings were. This showed Li Chu knew nothing about self-cultivation. It was impossible for him to commit a major crime like raising evil spirits to create chaos.

So obviously, he was just a simple, kind, and handsome scammer.

The Imperial Administration Bureau would have no jurisdiction against scammers.

But if it was an ugly scammer, Madam Li would not mind taking care of it on behalf of the constables.

Besides, that he could fool everyone in the magistrate office of Yuhang Town for so long was amazing.

She started to like him.

…

The two arrived at Lower Liu Village. Li Xinyi looked serious on her face, just like she had always been in the Imperial Administration Bureau.

As for Li Chu, he had always been looking serious.

He found dealing with vengeful spirits was easier than chatting with Li Xinyi.

The tragedy had happened in the Fang family in Lower Liu Village.

That family used to live at the back of the village, where only a few houses stood. Inside the broken courtyard there was a few thatched huts. It seemed that this Fang family had not only been poor but also not on good terms with the other villagers.

The people from the magistrate office had come over to clean up the scene early in the morning.

It looked like an empty yard. The house was messy, but there were no bloodstains.

Li Xinyi had read the dossier several times before coming, so she knew the case pretty well.

“There were four people in the Fang family. Father, Fang Da, 33 years old. Son, Fang Gang, 12 years old. Mother, Fang Liu, 23 years old. Daughter, Chen Yingying, 4 years old.” She briefed Li Chu.

“Fang Da’s daughter Chen Yingying?” Li Chu immediately spotted the anomaly.

Li Xinyi paced back and forth in the courtyard, seemingly measuring something.

“Fang Da and Madam Fang-Liu were both divorced. Fang Da beat his ex-wife to her death. Madam Fang-Liu’s ex-husband died of illness. Both of them got married with their children from their past marriages.”

Li Chu was silent.

Li Xinyi’s voice softened halfway through her talking.

How could they not fall into silence when a man killed his wife and could still get away with it and marry another woman?

Li Xinyi continued after a pause. “Someone claimed to have seen Madam Fang-Liu looking for her daughter in the village last night. She said her daughter was missing. But she probably could not find her.

“Earlier this morning, someone who went to the fields discovered that something was wrong. Fang’s house door was tightly shut, and all the poultry and dogs raised in the courtyard were dead. The gutsy villagers went in and saw the shocking scene.

“The autopsy reveals that Madam Fang-Liu was beaten to death on the head by a blunt weapon. Fang Gang died from poisoning. The reason a vengeful spirit is thought to have committed the crime is Fang Da. He strangled himself alive, his body bitterly cold with two ghost handprints on the neck which are very obvious signs of vengeful spirit-possession.”

Li Chu rubbed his chin as he found the case a bit complicated.

Someone must have killed Madam Fang-Liu and Fang Gang, as it was impossible for ghosts and monsters to use methods such as poisoning and physical attack.

The thing was, a ghost had killed Fang Da.

“Where is the little girl?” he asked.

“Chen Yingying’s body was found in the mountains at the back. She fell down the hill and died.”

It was a familicide indeed.

But Li Chu still could not wrap his brain around why the various ways of death.

But it did not matter. He was not a constable of the Magistrate office. He did not have to know all the truth of the case.

All he needed to know was whether there were any ghosts involved here.

The gust of cool breeze came from the side of the mountain and made a whining sound as it blew through the walls of the thatched hut.

It sounded as if someone was crying.

It was nightfall without them realizing it.

Li Xinyi looked at Li Chu with a serious face. “Don’t do anything without my command. Vengeful spirits differ from ordinary ghosts. You will be in great trouble if you irritate it.”

Li Chu was already a scammer in her eyes.

So all she asked of Li Chu was for him not to cause any trouble.

It was a rare moment of gentleness for Li Xinyi, the new Violet Guard of the Imperial Administration Bureau.