I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

008

Mr. F’s moniker in our house is Mr. Fortune Teller, because he is always able to predict everything extremely accurately. When I was due to go to City X to attend my friend’s wedding, I decided to book the 7AM flight ticket due to its cheap price. Mr. F was away on a business trip then, and when he heard about my decision he expressed his disbelief in my ability to board the flight on time.

“A 7AM flight means that you’d have to leave the house at 5:30AM. Are you sure you’d be able to wake up?” 𝐟𝓇ℯ𝐞𝚠𝚎𝒃𝑛𝒐ѵe𝚕.co𝚖

I was extremely confident, “Don’t worry, there won’t be any problems!”

In the end, on the night before the flight, I had to work overtime till 2AM.

In the wee hours of the morning, I received a call from Mr. F, “It’s time to wake up.”

Me: “It’s only 5AM…”

“You stayed up last night?”

“Stop talking, I need to treasure my sleep – I can sleep for at least 10 more minutes…”

I hung up in a daze, and when I re-opened my eyes, it was already 7:30AM. I called Mr. F in my despair.

“I woke up late.”

“I know.”

“Let me try to postpone my flight…”

“I already helped you to postpone your flight. Your plane is due for takeoff at 9:45AM. If the road to the airport isn’t congested, you’d be able to reach in thirty minutes, so now that you’ve woken up you still have time for breakfast.

P.S. I knew this would happen from the start.”

Me: “Mr. Fortune Teller, please allow me to kowtow to you!!!”

009

Before we fell asleep, I inquired, “What do you like about me?”

He opened his mouth and rattled off instantly, “You’re kind, understanding, interesting, and independent. Moreover, you have good character and taste.”

“What else?”

“You’re pretty.”

Full marks! I praised him for honesty, and pecked him on the cheek before turning the lights off.

I jerked awake in the middle of the night. That’s not right, whoever he’s describing – it’s definitely not me! Does he have another wife outside?!

010

As his job frequently requires him to take extended business trips, he often worries about me staying at home alone. Once, while I was in the midst of helping him pack his luggage, he suddenly asked me, rather childishly, to accompany him on his trip.

I refused.

As his flight was an early flight, he was already gone when I awoke in the morning. I rose from the bed and made my way to the kitchen in a daze. Whilst drinking a cup of water, I noticed a note placed on the refrigerator. I took a step closer, and saw his hasty scribble:

Do not open the door for strangers.

Surprised, I spat the water out of my mouth and called him with a thunderous expression.

“Do you think I’m still a three year old kid?”

“It’d be great if you were a three year old kid; only then would I be able to bring you along wherever I go.”

I love collecting postcards; thus, every time he visits someplace new he would always send a postcard back to me.

Before long, I managed to collect a sizable number of postcards. However, the postcards were all addressed to the following people: Wang Jian Guo, Li Sheng Li, Wang Zi Qiang.

Once again, I called him with a thunderous expression etched on my face. He retorted back in a righteous tone, “This is so that the mailmen would know that there’s a man at home.”

After a few days, when I purchased something from Taobao, I received a call from the delivery man who was requesting for a Shen Da Yong.

Ah, as expected, this person had also changed the name of the recipient of my purchases.

Mr F, have you ever considered that letting others know that different males commonly frequent the home would be more dangerous?

011

We had a quarrel over a minor matter one night. When it was time for bed, we lay down on the bed side by side, both choosing to ignore each other. He had to wake up at 4AM the next day as he had a morning flight,. As I couldn’t fall asleep, I heard the alarm clock ring once – very briefly – before he quickly turned off the alarm. He didn’t turn on the lights, and simply tip toed out of the room with his clothes in his arms.

I had previously wondered why I never ever detected any movement when he left. The person who chose to quarrel with me was him; but the person who chose to tiptoe blindly in the dark and change outside so as to ensure that I had an undisturbed sleep was also him.

012

I loved to eat fruits, especially cherries. As I was craving for cherries recently, I went to the supermarket and purchased 1 kg worth of cherries with the intention of eating them whilst watching my television programmes.

The moment I returned home, I instantly cleaned the cherries and placed them in a new bowl. Just as I was bringing the bowl to the living roo, the telephone rang. I conveniently passed the bowl of cherries to Mr. F and went to the bedroom to answer the call.

By the time I returned to the living room, the bowl was empty.

I flew into a rage, “Who said you could eat my cherries!!!”

“Weren’t they meant for me?”

“It’s mine!!! You’re only allowed three cherries at most!!” As I had just talked about the severing of friendships with my friend over the telephone, I retorted immediately, “Goodbye, our ten years of our friendship has come to an end.”

He commented sarcastically, “I never ever knew that our relationship couldn’t be compared to 1kg of cherries.” The next day, after Mr. F ended work, he brought a huge bag of cherries home. I immediately lit up in delight, and thought in my heart that this person truly understands me.

At night after dinner, I saw him slowly bring out a huge bowl of cherries, sit himself down on the sofa, on the television, and… started to eat the entire bowl of cherries all by himself…

I tried to repress my cravings but to no avail. Finally, I caved in and reached out my hand, saying, “I want some too.”

He acted as though he had just noticed me, with an expression of surprise slowly forming on his face, before meticulously and slowly picking out three cherries from his huge bowl and handing them to me.

I was bewildered. He took his time, explaining leisurely, “Our relationship is only worth three cherries.”

I was momentarily stunned before coming to my senses – Mr. F, do your colleagues know exactly how childish you are?!

013

Mr. F is actually very well-versed in the art of coaxing me into a good mood. One of the many instances evidencing this ability is as follows. Yesterday, I told him, “Actually, I’m terribly easy to get along with – I don’t use your credit cards, and I don’t purchase luxury bags. As long as you do your best to praise me, I’ll be satisfied. See, isn’t it a wise decision to marry me?”

He interrupted me firmly, “No, I’m only together with you because of your outer appearance. If you were an ugly old hag, I would have divorced you a long time ago.”

I was instantly sent to Cloud 9, and immediately replied, “My dearest hubby, let me know what you wish to have for dinner tonight – I’ll fulfill all your requests!” 𝘧𝑟𝘦𝒆w𝚎𝙗nov𝘦𝗹.𝐜o𝓶

014

Since he usually scolds me by calling me dummy, I have somehow grown to accept this nickname.

Once, we were late for our date with a mutual friend. Despite circling the car park a couple of times, we were still unable to find a parking lot. Just when I was getting anxious, I spotted a free parking lot ahead. I rushed him immediately, “Hurry!! There’s one right there!”

“That’s for the disabled.”

I instantly retorted, “No worries! I’m mentally disabled!”

Even I myself was stunned by what I said. He simply sprawled onto the steering wheel while wiping the tears from his eyes.

015

I like scribbling little notes and insights on my book when I read, and I often pen down whatever comes to my mind. Once, when I was reading The Chronicles of Zuo, there was a scene documenting the incestuous relationship Wen Jiang had with her brother, the Emperor of Qi. When Wen Jiang’s husband, the Emperor of Lu, found out about the relationship, the Emperor of Qi had him assassinated. I wrote at the side with a flourish: Friendship with ‘brothers’ are of utmost importance.

Subsequently, when I was flipping through the book, I discovered an extra line that was sneakily added by a certain person: All the perverts in the world are from a single family.

How did he transform from a proper and righteous person into a playful goofball?

016

I wanted to go on a date with him; thus, when I noted his good mood, I instantly capitalized on the opportunity and asked him coyly, “Hubby, do you know what day it is today?”

As he was in truly high spirits, he was extremely co-operative, “What day is it?”

I replied, “Today is the 587th day of our marriage!”

“So?”

I smiled flatteringly, “Shouldn’t you express some appreciation?”

He rolled his eyes at me, “Only people who rear pigs would record the number of days that have passed subsequent to breeding.”

Rendered speechless, I sat at the side and sulked.

Suppressing his laughter, he asked, “What do you want? You can just tell me directly.”

I replied, “Tsk~ Who cares about your present?”

“Come on, just treat it as a celebration for me.”

I asked grudgingly, “What are we celebrating?”

“Celebrating the 587th day of my successful pig rearing.”

He patted my head with a smile.