I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

007

Nowadays, I can’t even pick a fight with Mr. F, because he’d manage to shut me up with a single sentence majority of the time. When Mr. F decides to be prim and proper, he would be rather solemn and stern. Thus, those who are unfamiliar with him often give him the following comments: Serious, rigorous and meticulous.

Every single time someone says that, I’d want to grab his collar and holler at him – You’ve been cheated!!!!

This fellow has the techniques of acting coy at his fingertips, and his poisonous tongue is akin a radio that spits out monologue.

There was a period of time when he had to work overtime every single day, and could only return home at 2 in the morning. I told Mr. F that although he was only getting the pay of a farmer, he was working as though he was the CEO of the company.

He laid on the sofa and tugged at his tie whilst patting my head, “Be a good girl, and help me cook a bowl of noodles.”

I said, “You have yet to be promoted to the rank of a CEO, but you have the mannerisms of a CEO already.”

He replied unhurriedly, “I’m not the CEO (Dong Shi Zhang), I’m the Head of being disobedient (Bu Dong Shi Zhang).”

008

We were due to attend a colleague’s wedding. Before stepping out of the door, I was having an internal war over which dress to wear.

“What about this one?”

“It’s too short, wear something that covers your knees.”

“How about this one?”

“The color’s not nice.”

“Then I’ll wear the black dress that you like.”

“You’re going to attend a wedding……”

“Fine, what about this?”

“It’s nice. But if it’s too attractive, won’t the bride be slightly unhappy?”

“Then I’ll change back to the first dress then.”

When I went into the toilet to change my clothes, I heard him let out a long sigh outside, “I just can’t understand why men would have the effort and energy to look for a woman outside. Having one is troublesome enough.”

What? Who exactly do you think is troublesome?!?!

009

My friend knew of a fortune teller that was reputed for being extremely accurate. The fortune teller looked at my date of birth and warned me not to wear any jade accessories. Instead, I ought to ‘wear gold near water’. 𝙛𝘳𝒆𝒆𝒘e𝗯n𝗼𝘷𝚎𝚕.𝒄૦𝓶

Although I didn’t understand the phrase ‘gold near water’, I was too shy about exposing my ignorance and chose to secretly ask Hao Wu Yi instead.

“What exactly is ‘gold near water’?”

Hao Wu Yi: “Girl, don’t you know how to add a punctuation mark!? Wear gold, near water! What the fortune teller is saying is that out of your five elements, you’re lacking in water!”

I was instantly enlightened.

A certain person laughed derisively at the side, “That’s not accurate, out of your five elements you clearly lack intellect.”

Pei!

010

Recently, I have been suffering from a severe case of hair loss. Whilst sweeping the floor, I lamented, “Sigh, I heard that there was a couple in America who separated because the husband was unable to endure the house being full of hair. You wouldn’t divorce me over this, would you?”

He said, “Don’t worry. Even if I want to divorce you, it won’t be because of this reason alone.”

Me: “…”

When I looked in the mirror, I discovered that my center parting was so bald that it could serve as a racecourse. I went to the hairdresser immediately for a change in hairstyle. With the center parting transforming into a side parting, I went back home to flaunt my new hair to Mr. F.

“Look! Isn’t this much better?” ƒ𝘳𝗲𝑒𝒘𝐞𝚋𝚗𝐨v𝘦l.𝒄o𝐦

He glanced at me.

“Yup, very soon you will have two racecourses on your head.”

He can always find ways to trigger my temper – the only reason he has remained alive till today is because I’m just too kind!

011

My friends often comment that Mr. F and I are both very cool and controlled, as we rarely fly into rages or get too emotional. In actuality, our coolness is rather different. Whenever he encounters a difficult problem, he never gets flustered or anxious; instead, he will slowly obtain a comprehensive understanding of the problem before undertaking a thorough analysis, leading to satisfactory resolution of the problem. Conversely, my cool nature is derived from my high tolerance when handling difficult matters. I am extremely averse to conflict, and fear quarrelling with others. As such, I have a habit of simply suppressing my unhappiness and tolerating others, frequently telling people “No worries” and “No problem”.

The first time he got mad at me, he said, “Whenever you’re unhappy, you have to express it! Don’t keep everything buried in your heart!”

At that time, I felt that he was being ridiculous as he was getting angry over a small matter. It was only later that I gradually understood that only those who weren’t close to me would compliment me on my understanding nature and my gentle temper; conversely, only those who truly cared about me would be concerned about whether I had suffered an injustice and was simply repressing my unhappy feelings.

012

Mr. F is a workaholic, and is unable to separate his personal time from his work time. To him, it was normal to work overtime till the wee hours of the morning, and going on work trips for one to two months without returning home is common fare. Recently, we managed to find a common timeslot where both of us were allowed to take leave from work. Thus, we decided to go on a holiday. However, he was constantly on the phone from 8 in the morning, and always procrastinated about heading out, insisting that he had to wait for an important and urgent e-mail that was due anytime soon. As such, I waited along with him; in the end, our wait lasted for three hours long. When we headed to the Michelin Restaurant that I had been looking forward to the entire trip, he left me in the corner and concentrated on his telephone conversation even after the food had arrived.

I was unable to repress my anger and chided, “If you pick up one more telephone call, I’d throw your mobile phone into the sea immediately!”

He knew he was in the wrong, and finally agreed to turn his mobile phone off before passing it to me. That’s how I managed to force him to go sightseeing with me despite his heart still being preoccupied with work.

When I awoke at midnight, I discovered that he had disappeared, and went to look for him at the café of the hotel.

Unsurprisingly, I found this fellow sitting at the corner with his laptop, looking at various files.

When he saw me he was rather astonished, “Why are you awake?”

“Looks like you have upgraded after I confiscated your phone.”

“I’m nearly done, so you should return to sleep first.”

I didn’t feel sleepy in the slightest, so I sat beside him and accompanied him. He was talking to somebody on his mobile phone, and it seemed to concern an urgent matter.

After hanging up on his colleague, he turned to me and said, “There’s something I want to discuss with you.”

“You want to return ahead of schedule?”

He nodded his head, and immediately launched into an explanation, “It concerns a really urgent matter……”

“Sure.”

He was stunned, “You’re going to agree? Just like that?”

“What else can I do?”

“You’re not angry?”

“I’m a little angry, but not terribly so. After all, you’re heading back for work, so there’s very little for me to be angry about.”

Curious, he asked, “If that’s the case, under what circumstances would you get mad?”

I thought about it seriously before replying, “If you’re not busy with work but busy having an extramarital affair, I’d be really mad. But since your work schedule is so demanding, I reckon you don’t even have the time to look for other women. Rather, I’m the one who has sufficient time and energy to go source for an extramarital affair. Now that I think about it, Mr. F, the state of your marriage is quite precarious.”