Memory Lost

The three of them look at each other in silence. R is the first to raise his hand to cover his eyes. But he lowers it immediately. Su Mian hears him take a breath, and then walk toward Xu Si Bai.

"S, welcome back," he says.

It's a very casual greeting, but it stings Su Mian's ears. She lifts her head and watches them quietly. R has already spread out his arms to hug Xu Si Bai. And Xu Si Bai pauses for a second before hugging him back.

After a brief moment, they let go. Xu Si Bai's eyes stop on her face.

She's also staring at him.

His eyes move away quickly and look at R. His usual handsome face like drawn in paintings reveal a gentle and peaceful smile, "I'm sorry."

R keeps quiet for a few seconds before saying in a deep voice, "You haven't done any wrong."

They both become silent. Xu Si Bai lifts his eyes and looks toward her again.

"I want some time with her," he says softly.

Su Mian feels as if his eyes have put a spell on her making her unable to move her body or cry. She can only look at him quietly.

"Okay," R goes into the other room and closes the door.

Only a silent room is left behind for him and her. f𝔯𝒆𝚎𝚠𝑒𝚋𝓃૦νℯƖ.co𝘮

He walks toward her.

Su Mian lowers her head and turns to look to the side.

She's unable to look at him.

She feels the area of the couch beside her sink; he has sat down. He's not far away, but also not too close. She can smell the faint familiar scent coming from his body; the pureness of formalin, smell of blood, and an unfamiliar scent of smoke. It's very faint, but it manages to make her heart feel as if she's suffocating.

"Did you get hurt from just now? Does your head hurt?" a clear yet slightly raspy voice says.

After suppressing her emotions for this long, Su Mian never thought that this would be the first thing he says. It's as if he's still Xu Si Bai, and she's still Bai Jin Xi; he's still gentle yet stubborn in caring for her.

Su Mian turns to look directly at him.

A slap falls fiercely on his face.

"Slap!" she lowers her hand after the crisp sound. A few red finger marks can be seen on his fair white face; it stings the eye like blood. Su Mian looks into his eyes. His eyes are clear as usual, reflecting the image of her in them. But those black pupils seem to be suppressing heavy emotions; they're unreadable. She's no longer able to read them.

She wants to turn around and stop looking at him, but he reaches out his hand suddenly and touches her face. She now realizes that there are tears on her face. But his touch causes her to flinch like being pricked by a hedgehog. She raises her hand and attempts to slap him again!

But he reacts quickly like lightning. This time, he grabs onto her wrist. Su Mian's heart shakes. His fingertips are slightly cold and pale, but his strength is surprisingly strong. Su Mian can't move, so she can only stare at him.

"Let go!" she roars.

He looks at her quietly for a few seconds and then releases her slowly.

Su Mian retrieves her hand. Her heart feels as if it's covered with wild grass and weeds and it breaks her heart.

And he's just looking back at her without a word.

"When did you find out?" she asks slowly.

Xu Si Bai keeps quiet for a moment.

He then reaches for R's pack of cigarettes on the coffee table and takes one out. It's not the first time Su Mian has seen him smoke, but it's only now that she notices how adept he is to lighting a cigarette. As white smoke rises between his fingers and in front of that beautiful face of his, it turns out that it has always carried dispiritedness and coldness. It's just that she never noticed it.

"Just now," his voice says softly and pauses, "But in these few years, I've always known that I'm mentally ill. Therefore……"

Su Mian's eyes open wide in shock.

He stares at her quietly. The restlessness, confusion, pain, and even anger that he has been feeling in his heart, suddenly calms down after finding out the truth. ƒ𝓇e𝙚𝔀𝐞𝚋𝓃𝐨𝘷e𝙡.𝒄𝗼m

It's even more peaceful than before losing her and after leaving them. It's like an endless body of water filling up his heart.

Do you understand?

The woman I love.

Even after losing my memory, the moment I opened my eyes, I could tell that I was different from everybody else.

I don't have a lot of feelings for other people, so I've always been alone.

I never talk too much in front of you because if I do, you'll notice the shortcomings and disorders in my speech.

Therefore, I've been keeping myself from confessing my love to you.

……

He doesn't finish his sentence. He stares into her eyes and is certain that she already understands everything.

"At the very start, they gave me a sense of familiarity," he says slowly, "I started to suspect my identity from that day when I saw L's dance video."

Su Mian doesn't say anything.

He seems to be hesitant to continue but then says, "The time when a bomb was tied to me, I started to understand what they were trying to do——it was to have me be let go by you again so that I could confront my own feelings. And after seeing S's room today as well as creating the opportunity for me to kill someone with my own hands, I basically confirmed my identity."

Su Mian bites on her lower lip as she has a hard time finding words to say. With just a few sentences, he has summarized everything.

Yeah, why hasn't she noticed it all this time?

Perhaps it's because in these blurry months and years, at an unfamiliar place, only he smiled at her warmly like the sun shining on the snow.

"Xu Si Bai," she lifts her teary eyes and says each word slowly, "let me go."

He doesn't answer.

He keeps quiet. It's as if he's still the usual handsome and peaceful man, but only the cigarette between his fingers is burning away.

"Su Mian," he watches the white smoke and murmurs as if he's talking to himself, "I once kissed a woman in my dream. I saw her crying non-stop in front of me."

Su Mian doesn't say anything and doesn't respond to him.

"In these years, Han Chen is not the only one who's been searching for you in our dreams," he says slowly, "I was never able to find you, and I couldn't tell who it was. It felt familiar but blurry. My heart ached, but I wasn't certain. It wasn't until the image of you and her slowly started to overlap. It turns out that this was all set up by me; it's a dream that I created for myself. And now, the dream is clear."

The slow pacing of his words and his familiar voice permeates the air and pains her heart. She looks up at him silently. He turns to look at her as well. In his long and narrow eyes, there's a very faint light reflecting in haziness.

He puts down the cigarette and lowers his head. He puts his hands on each side of her and attempts to kiss her.

Su Mian's heart is trembling and she feels cold sweat cover her whole body. Her hand folds into a fist tightly beside her. He's leaning closer and closer. The familiar smell and coldness. In the light, his side profile is handsome yet a little blurry. He grabs her shoulders lightly, his forehead touches hers gradually. His nose rubs against her nose slowly.

They are incredibly close to each other now. He closes his eyes. His lips approaches and their breathing intertwine.

But his kiss never comes.

He leans close to her just like this.

Su Mian doesn't budge.

At this instant, an arm attempts to strike the back of his neck! But he reacts even more quickly than her! He blocks her arm at the same time he opens his eyes. She sees his eyes, dark like the surface of the lake. He raises his arm and strikes. A forensic investigator's attack is far more precise; it lands right on the nerve on the back of her neck.

Su Mian faints.

Xu Si Bai embraces her falling body. He hugs her quietly and doesn't move.

R comes out and glances at the woman in his embrace and asks, "S, what should we do now?"

Xu Si Bai puts her down letting her lean against the couch. He picks up the cigarette from the table again and puts it in his mouth. R watches him and feels his heart ache suddenly, but he smiles faintly, "S, do you know how long it's been since I've seen you smoke like this?"

Xu Si Bai inhales from the cigarette and smiles. He asks, "What was your original plan?"

R answers, "There will be a subway train crashing here. Chatterbox and Cold Face are on it, so they'll be dead for sure. After the crash, the Peninsula Hotel will collapse. But that's not enough. A has set up detonators that will explode the Han River bridge. The bombs are very hidden, so the police most likely can't find them. As long as we explode the bridge, more people will die. Once we seal off the road exit, we'll be able to escape amid the chaos. No one will notice," he pauses before continuing, "We'll finally get our payback from the loses we had back then."

Xu Si Bai remains quiet for a while as if he's deep in his thoughts. He then raises his head and looks around asking, "This room and this plan……When did you guys start preparing them?"

"Three months ago."

Xu Si Bai nods.

R looks down at his watch and frowns, "A called just now and said that he would be coming, but L should have been here by now."

Xu Si Bai lifts his eyes and looks at him, "L is never late."

They both remain silent.

R pulls out a drawer from the desk and takes out a gun from it, "I'll go."

Xu Si Bai stands up and grabs the gun from his hand, "I'll go. You're no match for Han Chen."

R is a little hesitant, but Xu Si Bai has already switched off the safety lever on the gun. He places it into the gun holder on his waist and says indifferently, "I'll bring them both back."

R keeps quiet for a moment and nods. He has always obeyed S's orders unconditionally. After all these years, it hasn't changed.

Xu Si Bai lifts his eyes again and takes a look at Su Mian on the couch. R looks over following his gaze and asks, "Are we bringing her along this time?"

Xu Si Bai stares at her with his eyes cold like the snow. He doesn't answer. He pushes open the door and leaves.