The Creatures That We Are

“Why would you do that?” Gao Yang didn’t understand.

Heavenly Dog lowered his head.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Gao Yang leaned back and propped himself up with his hands on the deck. He could just enjoy the breeze.

Heavenly Dog would’ve stayed quiet in the past.

He had thought about visiting the Island Nation to see for himself his mother’s home country. Twice, he even booked the ticket, but he copped out in the end.

The emergency tonight left him with no time to think about it, though, and when he realized it, he was already onboard a cruise.

Nothing in the world waited for one to be ready for it, it turned out.

He might as well tell the secret he had kept hidden at the bottom of his heart to a teammate he wasn’t particularly close to, but seemed dependable to him, right?

Heavenly Dog looked up at Gao Yang with an honest expression, still dragging his words as he said, “I didn’t want others to know that I’ve lost my mother.”

He got into his story.

It wasn’t a long one, and he finished in the span of two songs.

In Heavenly Dog’s memory, his father and mother were night and day from the husband and wife in TV dramas. Those couples respected each other, were inseparable, weathered difficulties together, and stayed by each other’s side until death did them apart. His parents, however, fought every day.

They fought hysterically, exchanged insults and barbs, and even got physical.

When Heavenly Dog was four, his parents’ relationship broke down entirely, and his father moved out, settling down with another woman, while Heavenly Dog and his mother stayed in their original flat.

Did his mother treat him right?

Not at all, when he thought back to it.

Sometimes, his mother would spend a day and a night at a mahjong place, leaving Heavenly Dog starving to the point of getting lightheaded, and he had to rummage the trash can for spoiled bread crumbs to fill his stomach.

He remembered eating until his stomach almost burst every meal when he was little because he didn’t know for how long he’d have to go until he had another meal.

Sometimes, his mother would get so wasted that she vomited all over the floor and fell asleep on the sofa, dead to the world. At four years old, Heavenly Dog would clean up the mess with a broom and then a mop, both taller than he was.

Then his mother would wake up suddenly at midnight, howling that there was no point in being human, spouting nonsense that she would rather be a dog than a person in her next life. His neighbor would call the police, and she would be taken away for disturbing the peace at midnight.

There were a few occasions where his mother took young handsome men home, all faces he didn’t know. In the beginning, his mother and the man she took home would talk sweetly like they were in love, but in a few days, they would fight like his mother used to fight with his father, and his mother would throw the man out, thus ending the relationship.

Heavenly Dog’s mother wasn’t good at being a mother.

Strangely, though, Heavenly Dog always remembered the good his mother had done for him.

Sometimes, when his mother won money in her mahjong game, she would order hamburgers, french fries, and cola, lying on the sofa and watching Jerry and Tom with Heavenly Dog.

While wolfing down high-calorie food, the mother and son watched Jerry lead Tom on a merry chase, laughing out loud.

Sometimes, when his mother saw Heavenly Dog get bullied by the mischievous kids of their neighbors, she would slap them on the heads and get into fights with the kids’ parents on the street. The argument would last an hour, and she hurled all sorts of insults and swear words at the other, the perfect embodiment of what some would call a shrew.

Sometimes, his mother would wake up suddenly at midnight, barging into Heavenly Dog’s bedroom and weeping while holding onto a still drowsy Heavenly Dog. She would continue on and on about her being lost and helpless, about how she didn’t know where to go in this miserable life.

Heavenly Dog was too young to understand her, so he could only hold onto her tightly.

He vowed to grow up quickly in order to protect his mother, so that his mother would never be sad and heartbroken again.

On his fourth birthday, his mother bought him a large cream cake.

That night, she lit the candle and had Heavenly Dog make a wish, blowing the candle out.

Then his mother smiled at him, looking unusually calm. “I’m leaving, Little Ran.”

“Where to?” asked Heavenly Dog.

His mother thought for a moment. “To the Island Nation.”

At four, Heavenly Dog didn’t know where Island Nation was. He thought his mother would be right back, just like when she headed out to the mahjong place, supermarket, noodle shop, or park.

“When are you coming back, Mom?”

His mother picked up a plastic fork and slowly cut the cake for him. “Mom’s not coming back.”

“Why?”

She smiled. “Because Mom’s going back home and can’t bring you.”

“Mom...” Heavenly Dog finally understood the gravity of the issue. “I...I promise that I’ll never black out again. I won’t ask for toys anymore. I won’t get bullied by Little Zhi... I won’t make you angry again, Mom. Don’t leave me...”

Heavenly Dog’s eyes reddened, but he didn’t dare to let his tears fall.

“Be good, Little Ran.” His mother was still smiling, and she stroked his hair. “Don’t cry and don’t chase after me, understand?”

Heavenly Dog sat on the sofa impassively, still wearing a paper birthday hat. He watched as his mother stood up and walked to the entryway, closing the door behind her.

Before heading out, his mother always washed and dried her hair, put on a pretty dress, and applied lipstick in front of the mirror before grabbing her wallet, keys, and cigarettes.

This time, however, his mother didn’t take anything with her, as if she was only heading downstairs to buy a lighter.

Heavenly Dog wanted to cry. He wanted to chase after her, but he stopped himself.

He was an obedient kid. He had to listen to his mother. He would not cry, and he would not chase after her.

He told himself that his mother was testing him, that he must have done something wrong and angered his mother.

That must be it.

So he had to be a good kid. Only then would his mother return.

Heavenly Dog blinked back his tears and took big bites of the slice of birthday cake his mother had cut for him. Then, thinking the cake was sweet and tasty, he finished the whole thing like he always did, leaving only a slice for her.

His stomach was full, and his belly felt heavy. He kept hiccuping.

That night, his mother didn’t come home.

Neither did she return the second day.

It was on the third day that his father showed up to take Heavenly Dog away. By then, he was starving so badly that he almost blacked out. On the table was the slice of now spoiled cake he had saved for his mother.

Heavenly Dog started living with his father and stepmother then. The next year, the couple gave birth to Heavenly Dog’s little sister.

His parents were close, just like the loving couple in TV drama, and they didn’t treat Heavenly Dog’s half-sister better than they did him. The two children were both raised with love.

Heavenly Dog grew up in a happy family, for which he was grateful and content. However, his earlier years left something at the bottom of his heart—the scar his mother gave him on his fourth birthday, which had never healed.

He always wondered how his mother had been after returning to the Island Nation. Had she started another family? Was she happy? Did she still wake up late at night and cry helplessly? Did she ever think about Little Ran, the boy who was waiting for her to come home?

He didn’t know any of the answers.

The only thing he could do was to learn about the Island Nation and imagine her life there. Sometimes, he even imagined a different fate for a different him in a parallel world. That Little Ran had been taken to the Island Nation by his mother, and he led a different life there.

Thus, whenever someone asked about his mother and the Island Nation, he always responded smoothly like he had grown up there.

He simply didn’t want anyone to know that he had long lost his mother.

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