I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

001

Mr. F has a friend who recently discovered that he was suffering from the latest stages of cancer. Although this friend had attended our wedding, I wasn’t able to interact much with him as I was simply too busy that day. That said, I do remember him as a chubby fellow hailing from Langfang, and when he smiled, his eyes would crinkle up and form a line. When he was toasting us, his wife even joked that he had such tiny eyes that we wouldn’t be able to locate his eyes if he weren’t wearing glasses.

During the weekend, I accompanied Mr. F on a visit to the hospital. Both of us knew in our hearts that this could very well be the last time we saw him. Before we left the house, Mr. F reminded me to remain composed. Although I understood what Mr. F meant, I couldn’t help but feel terrible when I saw the 90kg chubby man of the past reduced to becoming a bag of bones lying on the bed, trying his best to smile and welcome us despite having difficulty breathing. Conversely, Mr. F chatted with him as per normal.

As we didn’t want to disturb the patient’s rest, we didn’t stay long and chose to leave soon after. After existing the ward, I accompanied Mr. F to the stairway where he could smoke. There, the two of us sat side by side on the staircase, both of us choosing not to speak a single word.

There are occasions when I would think about death. When I was a teenager, I wasn’t afraid of death in the slightest, simply accepting that it was something everybody had to experience one day. However, nowadays, I’m truly afraid of such a day arriving. It’s not because I’m afraid of pain and suffering; rather, I fear that I would no longer be able to enjoy the things I presently cherish. I fear that I would no longer be able to hug the people I love. I fear that I would no longer be able to accompany my children when they’re growing up. More importantly, Mr. F and I have already become such a integral part of each other – we’re connected to each other by all our little, mundane experiences – and I’m afraid, because the one who suffers most isn’t the one who leaves, but the one who is left behind. I can’t bear for him to be unhappy, not even the slightest bit. Every time I think about these, I’m extremely, extremely afraid.

He says that I’m being too sentimental, but he doesn’t know; he doesn’t realize that in actuality, the person who made me this way is him, and him alone.

Although Love arms one with an armor, it simultaneously causes one to have a weakness.

002

One day, I was buying fruits at a market near our place. Just as I was focused on selecting some yellow peaches for Mr. F who really loves them, the guy standing next to me suddenly spoke up, “What are these called?”

I surveyed the surroundings in an attempt to confirm that he was asking me (and not the boss of the fruit stall) before replying, “Yellow peaches.”

He nodded his head before asking again, “Are they delicious?”

“Um…… It depends on personal preference.”

“Do you like them?”

“They’re alright.”

After purchasing my fruits, I left the fruit stall. Just then, the guy caught up to me with a bag of yellow peaches in his hand.

“Can I have your mobile number? WeChat is fine too, I just hope that we can be friends.”

Is this an actual pick-up line which I thought only existed in legends and myths? I never ever thought that I would actually experience such a situation! I tried my best to repress my delight and answered apologetically, “But…… my husband won’t be too happy about it.”

The other party was tremendously shocked, “You’re married?”

“Yup!” I showed him my wedding ring.

“It’s okay, I just want to be friends.” He gave me the bag of yellow peaches along with his name card before leaving the scene. As such, I carried the two bags of yellow peaches home in a stupefied state.

When I related my miraculous experience to Mr. F, he was extremely disdainful. “Giving you a bag of yellow peaches? What a scrooge.” He looked at the guy’s name card and further sneered, “XXX Manager from XXX Company.”

I looked at the name card. “Oh, he’s even a manager! Don’t get jealous.”

He smirked coldly, “Am I that childish?”

I left the name card on the dining table out of convenience, and went to the kitchen to help Mr. F wash his yellow peaches. A few days later, I suddenly recalled this incident, and discovered that the name card on the dining table was gone. When I asked Mr. F, he replied nonchalantly, “I threw it away. When I was cleaning the table the other day, I accidentally poured a cup of water on it.”

Usually, the number of times a certain fellow voluntarily tidies up the house could be counted within a single hand, not to mention he even “accidentally” poured some water…… The villain’s intentions are obvious.

003

We returned to our parents’ home during Chinese New Year. Mr. F has a huge extended family – as he had all sorts of paternal uncles, paternal aunts, maternal uncles, maternal aunts, paternal cousins, maternal cousins, nieces and nephews, we always had people visiting every day in order to exchange Chinese New Year greetings. And with the further inclusion of Mr. F’s father’s colleagues, the house was basically chock full of people……

As Mr. F’s father is a very stern man, both Mr. F and I were always on our best behaviour when we were at home. Every morning, we’d wake up at 6:30AM and sit in the living room, yawning whilst staring at each other helplessly. When the visitors started streaming in, Mr. F’s mother dispatched the two of us to undertake the task of washing fruits.

Mr. F glanced a the people in the living room. “Doesn’t it look like Plants vs Zombies?”

Me: “Ah?”

Him: “Another wave of zombies is about to attack.”

I laughed aloud. “Be careful, if Dad hears you he’s going to give you a beating.”

“Exchanging Chinese New Year greetings in this manner is so inefficient and troublesome; the entire process ought to be simplified.”

“How do you propose such a simplification?”

“Well, we could use our mobile phones to send various gift vouchers, and the recipients could simply head down to the departmental stores on their own accord to retrieve the gifts.”

“Pfft……”

“The Chinese New Year money given to children could also simply be given through internet banking.”

Just then, Mr. F’s father called us over to introduce some people to us. “This is Uncle Chen……” I immediately greeted him. Before Uncle Chen left, he attempted to give me a red packet. As it was rather odd for me to receive Chinese New Year money due to my old age, I hurriedly refused.

“When you and F married, I wasn’t able to attend your wedding. So take this red packet as a form of compensation.”

As such, I had no choice but to accept the red packet silently. After dinner, Mr. F and I went for a stroll. I fished out the red packet, opened it, and happily began counting the money in it. Having discovered that great generosity of Uncle Chen, I expressed my sentiments, “Forget about internet banking, counting physical wads of cash is more pleasurable.”

He laughed at me, “Moneygrubber.”

“O Mighty and Great Mr. F, do you want to give the humble one some Chinese New Year money as well?”

“Sure.” He fished out a 100 dollar note and handed it to me before continuing, “Return me a dollar.”

“What? Nobody gives Chinese New Year money expecting change in return!”

“The number 99 has a good symbolic message.”

[T/N: 99 in Chinese is referred to as “九九” (jiu jiu), which has the same pronunciation as “久久” (jiu jiu; has a meaning of ‘long and everlasting’). Thus, Mr. F is basically saying that he wants to be with Joey forever and ever.]

004

I was at the department store purchasing Chinese New Year goods when I met my High School classmate Ms. S. She recognized me on sight and exclaimed, “Joey, you really haven’t changed a single bit.”

“No, it’s patently obvious that I’ve aged, having been through numerous vicissitudes of life.”

“No, you still retain that retarded vibe you always had.”

“……”

After chatting for some time, she suddenly said, “Oh right, I’m attending a gathering the day after tomorrow, XXX organized it because it happens to be his birthday that day. Why don’t you come along?”

When I returned to the car, I asked Mr. F, “The day after tomorrow is XXX’s birthday, do you want to go?”

He shook his head, “Not interested.”

After driving for some time, he suddenly asked me, “Is XXX the one who wears spectacles and sat in front of you?”

Me: “Yes he is, why?”

Mr. F’s tone suddenly changed, “I’ll go.”

Ah, I never knew that Mr. F was on such good terms with XXX. As such, both Mr. F and I attended the gathering with presents in our hands. When XXX saw me, he was delighted, “Joey! Oh my god you actually made it!?” As he was an extremely open, he stretched his arms out wide in an attempt to give me a bear hug. Just then, a certain person grabbed me and shielded me with his body like an old mother hen. He presented the gifts to XXX and said expressionlessly, “Happy birthday.”

I made fun of Mr. F internally – when this fellow is at home, his train of thought was extremely active, and he could mock me with great fluency and brilliance. However, the moment he stepped out of the house, he would automatically switch on his ‘arrogant and cold’ mode and speak in a crisp and sharp manner, with no excessive words in his speeches.

Ms. S dragged me to the side and asked me softly, “Kao, you’re married to Mr. F?!”

“Yes, didn’t you know?”

“What!? I was in Australia for the past few years, and it was very difficult for me to remain updated with the latest gossip! Ah, I wouldn’t have invited you if I had known earlier!”

“Why? Are you discriminating against married women?”

“Haiz…… XXX used to have a crush on you in the past. Because of this, Mr. F even fought with him once.”

What in the world!!!!!! This was too much information for me to handle!!!!!!

As a result, I was extremely jumpy and nervous during the entire dinner. As a retarded lady with an overactive imagination, I was terribly worried that these two love rivals would suddenly jump up and start fighting it out. And if they start fighting, who should I help? Or should I be like the female characters in Korean dramas and simply faint on the spot? Ah, I regretted not taking lessons or practicing how to faint in an elegant manner. In the end, these two love rivals were extremely calm, and the gathering ended in a warm and loving atmosphere.

On the way back home, I couldn’t resist asking, “There are rumors…… uh…… that…… you have some discord with XXX?”

“What exactly do you want to ask?”

“It’s rumored that…… XXX used to like me in the past?”

He nodded his head.

“It’s rumored that…… you two even fought because of me?”

He looked at me skeptically, “Who told you this?”

“You mean it didn’t happen?”

“It didn’t.”

“Then how did you manage to discover that he used to like me?”

“He wrote a love letter and requested Guan Chao to pass it to you. I happened to see the love letter, so I asked him out and told him not to affect your studies.”

“What happened next?”

“Nothing else happened.”

“He just gave up so easily?!”

“What else do you want from him?”

“Kao! He ought to be like the male leads in Qiong Yao’s books and stand guard at the door of my house for one entire night! It would be even better if there was torrential rain pouring from the sky – then he would be able to stand in the rain, shouting for me. My brother would lock the door and disallow me from heading out, whilst my mum would raise her arm, giving me a good hard slap. Left with no choice, I would hammer the door desperately, and ultimately slide down onto the floor whilst sobbing in anguish……”

“Stop watching so much television dramas in your free time, it affects your intellect.”

005

I don’t usually keep an eye on the expenses that we incur on a daily basis. One day, out of curiosity, I decided to head to the bank to obtain a copy of the transactions that took place in our current account for the past year. It was only then that I discovered that the monthly expenses incurred for electricity, water usage, gas usage, floor heating, Wifi usage added up to an enormous sum!!

The miserly part of my personality emerged immediately, and I decided that – from today onwards – I’d start to reduce our daily expenses; I was determined to transform into an industrious and thrifty wife.

When I walked into the supermarket, the phrase “meticulous and careful spending” was written all over my face. Organic vegetables? Shan’t buy them, they’re way too expensive! In any event, consuming small portions of pesticide may even help to kill any roundworms we may have. My most beloved Ferrero Rocher? Shan’t buy them either, I can lose weight and save money simultaneously, thus killing two birds with one stone. Should I buy five normal menstrual pads, or should I buy the twenty menstrual pads currently on offer? I started counting with my fingers in an attempt to discern which option was more value-for-money. Mr. F has an insatiable desire for meat, but beef is extremely expensive. I suppose I’d just cook him a dish of vegetables with ham for dinner tonight.

I would usually turn on all the lights the moment I reach home, as the blinding brightness afforded me a sense of security. However, just as I put my bag down and was about to turn on the lights, I hesitated. After some thought, I simply decided to conserve electricity. Thus, I turned off all the lights, grabbed my laptop, and began to write my drafts in the complete darkness of the living room.

When Mr. F opened the door upon returning home, he had a great shock. “Why didn’t you turn on the lights?”

“Conserving electricity.”

Speechless, he grabbed a can of Coca Cola from the fridge.

“Don’t throw the can away after you finish your Cola.” I pointed to the entrance hall, continuing in a serious tone, “We can sell it for some cash.”

“Would you cut it out?” He rolled his eyes at me. “Let’s go eat sushi tomorrow.”

Being the extremely principled person that I am, I resisted the temptation. “Sorry, but we have exceeded our monthly budget.”

His face gradually turned black, signifying his bad mood. I acted as though I didn’t see the thunderous expression etched on his face, and toddled off to bathe. Who would have known that he would pull the shower curtain open just as I turned on the shower?

“What are you doing?”

He started stripping his clothes off expressionlessly. “We must conserve water, so let’s shower together.”

Kao, stupid hooligan!

006

My neighbour’s daughter is in Year 3 of High School this year, and flopped her preliminary exams. Upon questioning, her mother discovered that her daughter had entered into a relationship at such a young age. In her anxiety, she asked me to help counsel her daughter.

I wondered doubtfully, “Aunty, do you really not know that Mr. F and I started having feelings for each other at an extremely young age too…” However, with a heart hungry for gossip, I nevertheless decided to attempt counseling the girl.

The young lady trusted me a fair bit, and told me in a straightforward manner, “I like a boy who is in my class.”

“That’s pretty normal. It’s not a big deal even if you end up heartbroken.”

“I’m not heartbroken, the liking is mutual.”

“Then what are you worried about?”

“But… I already have a boyfriend.”

“……”

“They even stay in the same dorm.”

“……”

“It’s precisely because of the two of them that I’m feeling so vexed. Also, there’s another boy in their dorm, he’s extremely warm and kind. I frequently call him out to chat, and he too, confessed to me last week.”

“……”

“Haiz, I didn’t want things to end up this way.”

I was in a state of bewilderment, “So… you basically swept everyone in that dorm?”

She sighed in exasperation, “That’s why I’m so worried and melancholic.”

I was feeling extremely inferior, and told Mr. F upon returning home, “The young girls nowadays are so accomplished. When I was at her age, I hadn’t managed to achieve anything. Neither was I good in studying – I couldn’t even catch the formulas for hyperbolas.”

A certain person replied slowly, “But you managed to catch me.”

007

Mr. F’s alcohol tolerance is pretty good. If I were to express it in his words, it would be “adequate, but there would be no problems causing Joey to be plastered.” He rarely gets drunk; even when he’s drunk, he remains quiet and is able to somehow manage to send everybody off in taxis before finally returning home.

On the other hand, I’m the polar opposite. I’m the type of person who often goes around looking for trouble, and the moment I’m happy I’d look for alcohol. Although I’m usually the one hollering the loudest, I’ll end up being the first to get plastered. That said, I have my principles too – I engage in such crazy activities only if the people I’m hanging out with are all my trusted friends. Whenever I attend a gathering with people I’m unfamiliar with, I would refuse even a single drop of alcohol regardless of how much others try to persuade me. Mr. F has expressed his relief in this regard.

Once, after I returned home from a gathering with my friends, a sudden impulse seized me, and I insisted on acting out a scene of “forcing the innocent maiden”. He agreed instantly, and was about to start ‘forcing’ me when I pushed him aside. “No no, today you will be responsible for the role of the maiden.”

He gave it some thought and agreed, “Okay!”

This fellow then proceeded to disrobe quickly and lay on the bed before waving me over, “Hooligan, come quick.” Kao! Isn’t this ‘innocent maiden’ too darned co-operative? How is the hooligan expected to feel in such a situation! Stunned, I was unable figure out a way to continue the act even after giving it some thought.

“What are you waiting for?”

I crawled onto him and asked, “Usually, how does the hooligan ‘force’ the innocent maiden?”

His eyes crinkled and he smiled happily, flipping me onto the bed. “I’ll teach you.”

008

Due to my serious insomnia, a certain person started to force me to jog with him every single day. As I agreed that it was time for me to start training my body, I went to great pains to Taobao an entire afternoon and purchased a full jogging attire. After all, in order to accomplish the job well, one must first sharpen one’s tools.

On the first day, it felt pretty good as the experience was pretty new.

On the next day, I was quite tired, but his enthusiasm and high spirits encouraged me to grit my teeth and persevere.

On the third day, thoughts of how blissful I would have been if I was lying on the sofa at this hour, eating fruits and refreshing Weibo flew through my mind whilst running. 𝐟𝐫𝗲𝙚ｗ𝚎𝐛𝙣𝐨𝙫𝘦𝗹.c૦m

On the fourth day, I seriously contemplated the problem at hand – if I continue running, when would I be able to end this torture?

On the fifth day, I asked him for a day’s break, telling him my dear husband, my period has arrived.

On the Nth day, I continued asking for my break, telling him dear husband, my period just ended.

On the N+1 day, I continued asking for a break, telling him dear husband, my period is about to come soon.

Him: “Ah, I finally understand now. The period is truly all-powerful.”

I nodded my head vigorously, “Exactly!! The timetable of women is basically divided in accordance with our periods.”