I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

009

Sometime back when the World Cup was still ongoing, Mr. F’s luck in betting was extraordinarily terrible – all the teams which he thought were promising were all eliminated in the early stages. As a result, Mr. F was given a new, well-deserved title: Pele No. 2.

As the Finals neared, I persuaded Mr. F to bet on Argentina.

“Why? Don’t you think Germany has better prospects? Kross’s present condition is excellent blah blah…”

I shook my head, “It’s because Argentina has a nicer uniform.”

He insisted on betting on Germany, and finally won 500 dollars. Overjoyed, he took a photo of his earnings and bragged, “I’m now at a new peak of my life!”

I replied, “Sugar daddy, please sponsor me!”

He shook his head, “I can’t squander my money away.”

Me: “Sponsoring me is not squandering your money!”

After giving it some thought, he replied, “But it shouldn’t be called ‘sponsoring’.”

Initially, I thought that he would continue by saying that providing for his wife is a natural duty which he ought to fulfill.

In the end, he said, “It should be called ‘rearing’.”

Mr. F, is your proficiency in languages meant to be used as a weapon for insulting your wife?!

010

He is a soccer fan whereas my knowledge about football matters has remained in a state of stagnation since 2002 when China qualified for the FIFA World Cup for the very first time.

When Germany won Brazil in the World Cup this year with a score of 7:1, he was absolutely giddy with joy. When I woke up the next morning, he excitedly launched into a detailed recount of the match, “Wasn’t Kross’s tackling in the first half marvelous oh my god Germany is insanely strong this one sided massacre should totally be recorded in history shouldn’t it blah blah……”

After listening to him ramble on for half the day, I carefully asked him, “But doesn’t Brazil have Ronaldo?”

Subsequently… there wasn’t any more ‘subsequently’…

After hearing about this incident, my dorm leader, who is also a soccer fanatic, told me earnestly, “Love is truly great – he can actually bear to put up with you without considering a divorce.” 𝑓𝒓𝚎e𝓌𝘦𝘣𝘯𝘰𝐯𝒆𝑙.c𝚘m

011

Mr. F never ever contributes to the housework at home. One day, I told him, “Look at XX’s husband XXX! He does all the housework – from sweeping the floor to cooking meals to washing clothes – he basically serves XX as though she is a Queen! When you look at him, don’t you ever feel so ashamed and so torn apart by guilt that you’re unable to eat and sleep in peace?”

He didn’t even bother to look at me, and simply continued his house-wide search for his iPad.

I trailed along behind him, and continued nagging, “Also, look at XXX’s boyfriend XX. He’s famous for being gentle and understanding; no matter how ridiculous XXX’s tempers or requests are, he would always give in to her and listen to every single one of her demands. Additionally, he never ever forgets to prepare presents for every single one of their anniversaries, Valentines’ day, Christmas day, and even Children’s Day! Don’t you ever feel so ashamed and so torn apart by guilt that you’re unable to eat and sleep in peace?”

He continued focusing all his energies on locating his iPad.

Heartbroken, I continued my nagging, “And what about my husband? You only know how to bully me and mock me, and you’re never ever home because you’re always overseas on business trips. When the gas oven spoilt, you didn’t bother about it, and when the toilet became stuck, you didn’t bother to fix it. Last month when I was sick, you weren’t home, and merely instructed me to drink more water over the telephone. Additionally, you don’t have a single romantic cell in you! Having been married so long, you haven’t even bothered to buy me any flowers. Ah, people always say that a man is sexiest when, despite the female’s punching and kicking, he simply looks at her silently before pulling her into his embrace. But you never ever allowed me to do this! Don’t you ever feel so ashamed and so torn apart by guilt that you’re unable to eat and sleep in peace?”

This fellow finally found his iPad in between the creases of the sofa, and finally turned back, glancing at me coldly. “I do allow you to punch and kick me, but would you dare? Hmm?” He stressed the last “hmm”, his eyes narrowing in the process.

I was so frightened that I immediately admitted defeat, “O Mighty King, please spare the life of the humble one, she would never dare to do such a thing.”

012

Him: “Are you very dissatisfied with your position in the family?”

Me: “That goes without saying.”

Him: “Well, how about this – just for today, you will be entitled to order me about as you please; you can instruct me to do anything, I’ll definitely obey your instructions without question.”

Me: “Really?”

Him: “Of course.”

Me: “You may begin by sweeping the floor.”

As such, he obediently proceeded to locate the broom and commenced sweeping. After observing his attempts to sweep the floor for a period of time, I was unable to resist my urge to comment. “You’re not sweeping thoroughly – the area under the bed must be swept too. Additionally, are you unable to see the thick amount of dust behind the door? What about the hair located in the crevices between our tiles? Are you going to ignore them?”

Him: “It’s already pretty clean.”

Me: “It’s not clean at all! There, there and there – you haven’t swept these places yet!”

Him: “That’s not true! Why don’t you demonstrate once for me to learn?”

I immediately proceeded to sweep the floor a second time, and managed to gather a pile of rubbish as expected. “Look! The evidence is right here!”

“Yup, you’re so impressive.”

I handed him another task. “You will be responsible for preparing today’s lunch!”

“Sure, what would you like to eat?”

“I want to eat broccoli fried with garlic.”

“I don’t know how to cook that.”

“Bacon with peas then.”

“I don’t know how to cook that either.”

“What about fish flavored pork slices?”

“Nope.”

“What exactly do you know?”

“I know how to cook scrambled eggs with tomato.”

“……, besides that?”

“Eggs with tomato soup.”

“……”

I helped him assemble and prepare all the ingredients, and carefully reminded him, “Be careful, and don’t cut yourself. Remember to cut the tomatoes into thicker slices, and only commence frying when the oil has been heated. Additionally, remember to first fry the eggs before putting in the tomatoes.”

He was extremely impatient, “Alright, alright. I’ll remember so please head out.”

Before I had exited the kitchen for even twenty minutes, he started shouting for me. “Come in quick!”

The minute I opened the kitchen door, the fumes overwhelmed me to the point that I was unable to open my eyes. He hadn’t turned on the kitchen ventilator (most likely because he had no idea how to), and the black mass lying in the middle of the wok was completely unrecognizable. This fellow, when preparing scrambled eggs with tomato, had put in both soy sauce and vinegar!!

“Why is the eggs charred?” He asked me innocently.

I experienced an instant mental breakdown, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh you didn’t put any oil in the wok ahhhhhhhhhhh you spoilt my wok ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!” I swear, I’m never ever going to allow him to cook any meals in the future!!!!!!!

013

As I was unable to flag a cab in the morning, I pestered Mr. F to give me a lift to work, which he mercifully agreed to. On the way to work, this fellow’s mood was pretty good, and he began to hum a tune whilst navigating the roads.

After carefully attempting to discern the tune, I finally recognized the song lyrics – ‘I’ll send you away, beyond a thousand miles……’ Just how much does this fellow desire for me to get lost?

014

One day, we decided to eat BBQ. As the waiter serving our table had extremely wide and lively eyes, I stared at him for a lengthy period of time. As a result, the youthful boy’s face started to redden, and he may even have started to curse me, the odd middle-aged lady, silently in his heart.

Under the pressure of my scorching gaze, his hands gave an involuntary shudder when he was attempting to change the grill for us. As a result, the prawn that we had barbequed dropped onto the floor. When he gave me an apologetic look, my playful nature surfaced and I immediately put on my sternest expression, “Compensate me for my prawn.”

Mr. F, who was seated right beside me, couldn’t bear to see me continue my nonsensical course of action and warned, “Don’t be too much.”

The young boy heaved a huge sigh of relief, and was about to escape when Mr. F coolly halted him, “Compensate me for my prawn.”

015

I was sitting with him in McDonalds, opposite two high school students who had been kissing for a period of time. The two middle-aged persons thus proceeded to stare at them for a full twenty minutes, during which they blatantly continued their ‘activity’. Bemused, I wondered whether they would start suffocating if they continue kissing like that.

A certain fellow rolled his eyes and said, “If she was my daughter, I’d drag her home and smack her.”

I replied, “What do you know? Heroes are cultivated from their youth. If this was my son, just based on his advanced technique in dating girls, I’d give him an additional egg for dinner.”

A certain person was so aggravated he dragged me home and gave me a good smacking.

016

When we were dating, we often went on dates that lasted late into the night; as such, he often insisted on sending me home. As the mere thought of the long travelling time made my heart ache for him, I often refused his offer. Once, I even replied him with great confidence, “Don’t worry, I’m the most nefarious hooligan for miles around.” Although I simply meant it as a passing comment, this fellow took it to heart, and often used this incident to tease me.

Last weekend, he went to Shanghai. I was shopping with my best friend when he specially called me to remind me, “Don’t shop till too late, try to go home early and rest.”

“I know I know, don’t worry about me.”

“I’m not worried about you, I’m worrying for the rest of the hooligans for miles around.” He said slowly.

017

There’s another incident that relates to hooligans. Whenever people who aren’t familiar with us inquire about how we managed to get together, he would always lack the patience to explain the entire process to them. As a result, he would always give a short and simple answer, “Met a hooligan.”

The other party would then ask whether it was Joey who had met the hooligan, and whether Mr. F then decided to play the part of the hero who saved the beauty. He would neither agree nor disagree, and would always give the other party sufficient space to utilize his or her overactive imagination. Meanwhile, I would simply roll my eyes at him whilst sitting by the side.

When he reached home, he grinned from ear to ear and asked me, “Should I tell them that the person who had met a hooligan is actually me?” This fellow can really be terribly childish at times.