I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

001

My mother-in-law is someone who possesses a great sense of humour; as Mr. F has commented on numerous occasions about the striking similarities between me and his mum, I asked him whether it was because both his mum and I liked to tease him.

In the past, Mr. F had a ‘rumoured girlfriend’ who happened to be the daughter of his neighbours. As my mother-in-law’s greatest joy was to make a fool out of her very own son, she would frequently ask Mr. F hilarious questions, such as “Why don’t you go play with my daughter-in-law?”

Initially, Mr. F would attempt to protest his unhappiness, “Don’t spread such nonsense.”

“Isn’t she my daughter-in-law? Or are you telling me you have someone else?”

“That’s not true!”

“Well, since you don’t have anyone else, she’s the only one left to be my daughter-in-law.”

“……”

Once, she brought Mr. F out to purchase some clothes for him. As she was deciding between two different colours, she commented, “I’ll just the blue one then, since my daughter-in-law ought to like the colour blue.”

Mr. F replied in exasperation, “Who’s your daughter-in-law? I didn’t know you had one.”

Subsequently, when I visited Mr. F’s home to play, my mother-in-law smelt the scent of a ‘secret affair’; from that day onwards, the annual parent-teacher meeting became the event that frightened Mr. F the most. When my mother-in-law saw my mum, she’d be extremely enthusiastic, “I’m going to go have a chat with my in-law.”

“Don’t!!!”

“Son, you’re not going to be able to get the girl at this rate.”

Even the perennially busy Mr. F’s father found some time to talk to Mr. F, “I’m not entirely opposed to you entering into a relationship at such a young age, but you ought to know where to draw the line.”

Mr. F wanted to howl in rage – I’m not in a relationship!! I know where to draw the line!! The one who doesn’t know how to draw the line is your wife, not me!!!

002

When my mother-in-law and I discussed the topic of children, I said, “If I ever give birth to a child in the future, I don’t need him to be extremely rich or successful. I just hope that he’d be a happy person.”

My mother-in-law replied, “Yup. When I was pregnant with F, I thought the same way too. I didn’t wish for anything else, and had only one single wish.”

“What?”

“My child must be handsome.”

“…….”

She showed me Mr. F’s baby photos, and said, “I always wondered whether I had mistakenly brought the wrong baby home from the hospital.”

“Why?”

“How could someone as vibrant as me give birth to someone so dull and introverted?”

“Perhaps…he takes after his father.”

“Subsequently, when he attended school, my suspicions grew even stronger.”

“Why?”

“How could my son be so good in his studies?”

“……”

She continued flipping through the photographs, and muttered to herself, “But he’s such a handsome boy…No one else would be capable of giving birth to him except me.”

“……”

003

Mr. F told me that when he was still a child, his biggest wish was to escape his mother’s “demonic claws”. When I asked him why, Mr. F recalled with extreme grief, “My mother’s desire to remain in control is the strongest I have seen in my entire life. Ever since I was young, she would interfere in all my matters, ranging from big matters – such as the school I was enrolling in – to small matters – such as the socks I would be wearing the next day. She would even decide, on a daily basis, the outfit I was to wear that day, from innerwear to outerwear, from head to toe. If I failed to follow her instructions, she would fly into a rage. It’s crazily scary – I wonder how my dad manages to endure her antics.”

Me: “The manner in which I endure your antics is probably the same manner in which Dad endures Mum’s antics.”

Him: “……”

Me: “How do you think Mum would react if she knew what you just told me?”

Him: “She would kill me.”

Me: “Fantastic! I have already recorded all that you said!!I would be able to blackmail you in the future!”

Him: “……”

004

Mr. F’s genius nephew came to Beijing during the summer holiday, and stayed with us for a period of time. Little Nephew was terribly obedient – he would wake up at 8AM every morning, and begin his day by memorising English words for half an hour before proceeding to practise calligraphy for another half an hour.

I asked Mr. F, “Did you follow the same schedule when you were young?”

Mr. F nodded his head, “The children in my family all follow the same schedule.”

Enraged, I howled at him, “If that’s the case, why do you only manage to wake up in the early afternoon during weekends, and even require me to deliver breakfast to your bed?! What happened to the traditional values and good habits that your family cultivated in you?!”

Mr. F smiled sheepishly, “I can’t help it. He who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black.”[1]

005

I absolutely adore Little Nephew. Whenever I’m out shopping, I would always purchase delicious food or interesting toys for him.

One day, he told me in all seriousness, “Please stop buying things for me.”

I asked him why.

He replied, “Even though I really like the things that you buy for me, I always feel that I’m devouring the elderly[2].”

I spat out a mouthful of water. My dear child, that really isn’t how the phrase ‘devouring the elderly’ is used……

006

After Little Nephew and I familiarized ourselves with each other, he finally confessed some of his inner thoughts to me.

“There’s a girl in my class who has a habit of stealing things.”

“Ah?! What did she steal?”

“She stole a lot of things! My student card, my homework, my keys……”

“Wait a minute…… Does she take stuff from everyone, or does she only take your stuff?”

“She only takes my stuff.”

Tickled, I laughed aloud. “The little lady probably likes you!”

Little Nephew’s face reddened, “She’s…… she’s always doing something odd.”

“Is she pretty?”

“I don’t think so, but there are many male students in my class who like her.”

“Do you like her?”

Little Nephew fell into silence and refused to say a single word, his face reddening even further. After some time, the mature Little Nephew propped his cheek up with his tiny fists and let out a long sigh, “But…… I’m worried that she is unable to keep up with my pace.”[3]

I spat out another mouthful of water and gave Mr. F the side eye, “The children in your family all think the same way?”

Mr. F hurriedly asserted his innocence, “I don’t.”

007

Little Nephew asked me, “Why do you and Uncle F not want any children?”

Me: “Well…… It’s because both Uncle F and I are extremely busy, and we have no time to take care of little children.”

“But you take extremely good care of me.”

Having heard that, I felt a sense of motherly gratification. Thus, I told him, “If I have a child next time, you must take care of my child in the same way that I take care of you.”

“I promise!” He hooked his pinky finger with mine before continuing, “I’ll definitely shower your daughter with lots of love and care.”

“Why is my child a daughter? Why can’t it be a son?”

“My mum told me that daughters are more similar to their fathers. Thus, you must definitely give birth to a daughter who’s similar to Uncle F.”

I nearly forgot that this fellow has an Uncle fetish……

008

In all honesty, I often feel a great sense of pity for Little Nephew. Little Nephew never ever experienced a wanton, carefree childhood. Instead, his childhood was packed to the brim with innumerable tuition classes and stacks of books which were so thick they had to be transported using a luggage.

Little Nephew once told me in secret that he loved to stay with me. When I asked him why, he replied that it was because staying with me was extremely fun. My house was akin to a child’s heaven – You want to eat in bed? OK! You want watch television whilst lying down? OK! You want to procrastinate and complete your holiday homework only on the last day? OK! You want to eat fries from McDonalds at 11PM? OK! You want to write love letters to pretty female classmates? OK!

Mr. F told me in an aggrieved tone, “You’re spoiling him. At this rate, he’s going to transform into a chaotic Demon King.” ƒ𝐫𝒆𝐞w𝗲𝚋𝗻૦𝘷e𝙡.c𝑜𝙢

I replied, “Do you want to interview the chaotic Demon King? I’m sure he leads a more blissful life compared to the bookworm.”

Why are adults so focused on training their children into a typical factory-produced model product at the expense of sacrificing the creativity, imagination and independent thought process of the children?

[1] He who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black is a Chinese saying which means that people will inevitably be influenced by their surroundings – thus, if you always hang out with good company (vermilion), you would be influenced into becoming a better person. Here, Mr. F is hinting that Joey is black ink (i.e. a bad influence on him), and has caused him to gradually lose his good lifestyle habits which he had cultivated when he was young.

[2] Devouring the elderly is Chinese slang which refers to young adults in China who are unable to earn an income sufficient to sustain their own lifestyles. Thus, these young adults have no choice but to rely on their elderly parents to fund their lifestyles and habits.

[3] Keep up with my pace refers to the ability of one party to progress simultaneously with the other party, such that they’d always be equally accomplished. Here, Little Nephew is expressing his worries that the lady would be unable to be an overachiever like him.