I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

001

Hao Wu Yi is presently working at a publishing company, and bears the burden of looking through innumerable scripts and drafts every single day. Whenever she experiences a mental breakdown after having looked at one too many scripts, she would immediately begin to whine to me.

Hao Wu Yi: So boring……

Me: Don’t you need to edit your drafts?

Hao Wu Yi: The drafts are all terribly boring – they’re all just varying forms of how the domineering president of a company falls in love with the female lead.

Me: But the readers love these types of books.

Hao Wu Yi: In actuality, I’m sure the readers are already tired of these types of novels. These writers ought to write something different and fresh!

Me: How about The Domineering Factory Director Falls In Love With Me?

Hao Wu Yi: Hahahaha that’s a good one!

Me: The Contract Lover of the Cold and Cruel Construction Contractor?

Hao Wu Yi: Rebirth: Falling In Love With the Workshop Director.

Me: First Marriage Then Love: The Obstinate Wife of the Secretary.

Hao Wu Yi immediately produced a synopsis for the novel: ‘He was handsome and wealthy, profligate and unrestrained – he was a man who controlled the entire village’s production line in his hands! She caught his eye in the trade fair that displayed the various farming products from the nearby villages; from that moment onwards, the powerful man capable of summoning the wind and rain in Hua Lian Village only wished to protect and care for her. He gave her the limited edition Colman’s tractor that thousands of farmers desired, and willingly splurged thousands of dollars in order to see her smile. He brought her to various farms to watch the farmers harvest, just so that she would be able to recall the past that she had with him. When she ran away, he chased after her – both of them were trapped. She was like his poison, a disease that has set into his bones.

“Huang Pu Tie Niu [1], even if you manage to rob me of my body, you will never be able to rob me of my heart!”

The man’s eyes were as dark as the night. His thin lips were extremely close to hers, “Su Cui Hua, I don’t mind engaging in a taboo game with you……”

She closed her eyes, a single tear falling from her eyes. On the clean white bed, a white lotus bloomed.’

After a few days had passed, Hao Wu Yi hollered for me in a loving manner once more. This time, she simply sent me a screenshot: ‘Angered, the Second Prince had snatched the bow from the hands of the guard next to him within the blink of an eye. As the arrow found its way into the Fourth Prince’s heart, the sound of thunder pierced the silence that had descended upon us. As I saw the Fourth Prince fall off his horse, I felt as though that arrow had pierced into my very own heart. My beautiful face was splatted with droplets of blood. As I gazed at the Fourth Prince who had collapsed in a pool of blood, my face turned ghostly white, and my whole body trembled in fear. I let out a piercing scream, “No!!!!!!!”’

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Hao Wu Yi: “Why do female leads always say no whenever they experience a mental breakdown?”

Me: “What do you suggest the female leads say then?”

Hao Wu Yi: “Usually, whenever I experience a mental breakdown, the words that immediately come out from my mouth are ‘Aiyo’ or ‘F***!’”

Me: “That’s why you’re never the female lead!”

[1] Huang Pu Tie Niu directly translates to the Iron Cow from Huang Pu. This is meant to be a joke because the novelists tend to gift their male leads with extremely cool sounding names, whereas the male lead here was clearly named after his farmer background.

002 f𝔯ℯe𝓌ℯ𝐛𝒏𝐨ѵel.c𝚘𝐦

Hao Wu Yi hollering for me in a loving manner Part 2.

Hao Wu Yi: Are you there!

Me: Yes.

Hao Wu Yi: I just received a draft which concerns a story set in the pugilist world. In the story, the female lead sets up a sect called the Cecum School.

Me: Is there a problem?

Hao Wu Yi: As I thought the term ‘cecum’ looked oddly familiar, I went ahead to check the dictionary, only to find that Cecum is a medical term which refers to a body part that joins the big intestine to the small intestine!! Does this school serve as a specialized hospital curing problematic anuses and intestines?

003

Hao Wu Yi hollering for me in a loving manner Part 3.

Hao Wu Yi: This draft is too creepy and eerie!! It’s set in post-imperial China, and the male lead is the husband of the female lead’s sister. The male lead ridiculously falls in love with the female lead, and proceeds to ridiculously ditch his spouse, but not before forcing his spouse to undergo an abortion. The female lead, now the rightful spouse of the male lead, attempts to commit suicide all day. Although she feels guilty towards her sister, she continues flirting with the male lead. What kind of ridiculous and crazy storyline is this?! Both the male lead and female lead should just die together – stop being a menace to society!! Ah, truly – the bi*** and the bas**** are so compatible, I bet they’ll live a long life together!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Hao Wu Yi: I have finally come to a decision! I’m going to become and author and write a book myself. The book will concentrate on the editor of various drafts who edited drafts to the point where she vomited blood and died. And when she re-opened her eyes, the editor suddenly found herself transported into the world of romance stories! The editor then ambitiously and courageously set up an underground organization which specializes in assassinating disgusting couples who only care about themselves and their relationship whilst disregarding the rest of the world. I even thought of a title for the book – it will be called Kill All Those Mary Sues!!!!

004

I set up a group chat and titled it The Youthful Girls Who Would Never Age, and dragged all my best friends into the chat group where we exchanged gossip and other news every single day. Previously, a certain celebrity had been caught visiting prostitutes. Upon hearing such news, the youthful girls immediately commenced an enthusiastic and energetic discussion.

Dorm Leader: Oh my god, doesn’t he specialize in acting upright and good guys? I can’t believe he went to visit a prostitute!

Little C: How gross.

Me: It doesn’t matter who it is – those who visit prostitutes are truly unforgivable.

Female Goddess: Actually, the main reason why he’s suffering from so much backlash is simply because he’s not good looking enough.

Little C: What?! Just because someone is handsome doesn’t mean he ought to be forgiven for visiting a prostitute!

Female Goddess: Just imagine this. What if the actor who had been caught was Daniel Wu……

Little C (immediately changing her tune): If that happens, he must have been framed!

Me: If Daniel Wu was caught visiting a prostitute, it must be because he was trying harder to get into the mindset of a certain character he was responsible for acting! He’s truly a great actor!

Little C: If Daniel Wu was the one who got caught, I’d visit the jail every single day in order to deliver delicious meals to him.

Dorm Leader: Ah, the prostitute serving him must be in seventh heaven! Ah, Daniel Wu! Please come look for me if you ever need a prostitute!!!

Female Goddess: You guys……where did your morals go……

005

Today’s discussion topic: What do women hate the most?

Hao Wu Yi: When the dress that you’ve been eyeing on TaoBao got snatched away by another person whilst you were debating internally over whether you ought to make the purchase, and it turned out to be the last piece.

Me: That’s right!! When that happened to me I felt that life was no longer worth living!!

Dorm Leader: Ah, every single time I shop on TaoBao I would always hesitate over making a purchase for an extended period of time. There’s only one situation where I’d pay up with no hesitation: When there is only one last piece left.

Little C: I hate men who go back on their words!!

Me (smelling the whiff of gossip): What’s up with your husband?

Little C: He promised me that we would go on a holiday during the year-end break. As preparation, we even made an itinerary that is at least 10 pages along! In the end, this fellow cancelled on me at the very last minute. He lied to me, claiming that a problem had cropped up in his family, but I found out that he had actually accompanied his friend to the hospital!

Hao Wu Yi: Hospital? What happened to his friend? Is his friend male or female? It wouldn’t be a a Maternity Hospital right……

Little C: Pei! Would he have the guts to cheat on me? This fellow went to a Plastic Surgery hospital! He was accompanying his friend who was going to undergo a double eyelid surgery!!

Me: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Little C: Isn’t it crazy? A man who’s nearing his thirties suddenly deciding to go for a double eyelid surgery, all because he consulted a extremely prominent face reader who claimed that his single eyelid had been preventing him from making a huge fortune!

Dorm Leader: I bet the prominent face reader had hooked up with the Plastic Surgery hospital hahahahahaha.

Hao Wu Yi: Which Plastic Surgery hospital did he go to? Did his double eyelids turn out well? How long would the swell take to decrease? How much did it cost?

Little C: You are focusing on the wrong thing…

Female Goddess: Actually, all of you are wrong – the Top 1 thing that females hate the most must be the ex-girlfriend of their present boyfriends.

Little C, Dorm Leader, Hao Wu Yi: (chorusing in agreement) That’s right!!!!!

Hao Wu Yi: The single thing that is most hateful in the entire world is the ex-girlfriend who refuses to cut off contact and maintains an ambiguous relationship with one’s boyfriend!

Little C: My husband’s ex-girlfriend sent him a text message at 2AM in the morning after we had been married for a few months. She complained that she had been feeling miserable recently, and as a result, she was suffering from insomnia.

Hao Wu Yi: What did your husband say in reply?

Little C: He simply threw the phone to me. I replied her with four short words: None of my business.