I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

006

When Dorm Leader was still schooling in the past, she often borrowed romance novels from the book rental shop in order to pass the time. In the past, there would always be a book rental shop located near every school compound with innumerable Taiwanese romance novels stacked on the shelves. Subsequently, when we entered University, owning a computer became the norm. Thus, Dorm Leader transited to downloading novels from the Internet, and successfully accumulated 2GB worth of txt files in her computer, all kept in a folder called Txt Library.

One day, I accidentally discovered that our Dorm Leader had started writing novels as well! When I asked her why she had started writing novels, she replied, “I left a message on the Internet for an author whose book I was reading, telling her that the second male lead shouldn’t have done what he did. I even offered my input with regard to how the second male lead should be like, how the male and female lead should be like, how their daughter should be like……In the end, the author didn’t appreciate my input, and simply told me to ‘shut up’, and ‘you can you up’. I was so mad, I thought that that’s precisely what I would do – I would ‘up’ for her to see!”

That’s how Dorm Leader embarked on her journey to become a successful Internet novelist. Being such tight knit friends, our entire dorm expressed our full support for her. On the first day she was due to begin drafting the first chapter, our Dorm Leader requested for the entire dorm to pitch in and treat her to an extravagant meal. When we returned to our dorm after the meal, our Dorm Leader bathed changed into a comfortable set of clothes, and sat in front of her computer. The rest of us became extremely quiet, as we were worried about interrupting the author’s thought process.

Before long, we discovered that this fellow was watching variety shows.

Angered, I chided her, “Dorm Leader! I thought you were supposed to be writing your very first chapter?!”

“I’m looking for inspiration, I’ll definitely start writing after I finish watching the first episode.”

Alright then.

After she finished her variety show, she started surfing TaoBao.

“Dorm Leader! I thought you were supposed to be writing your very first chapter?!”

“I decided to finish spending all the money I have left in my bank account before writing my first chapter – I’m burning my bridges so I have no retreat!”

Alright then.

After she finished shopping on TaoBao, she crawled onto her bed and prepared to sleep.

“Dorm Leader! I thought you were supposed to be writing your very first chapter?!”

“I’ll sleep earlier tonight, so that I would be able to wake up early in the morning and start writing my novel.”

Of course, our dear Dorm Leader slept in till noon the very next day.

During the entire four years when we were in University, our Dorm Leader didn’t manage to produce a single book. That said, word somehow stillbmanaged to spread to our Dorm Leader’s mum, who then began telling every single person she met that her daughter was majoring in Chinese Language and was presently an author.

People would then answer by praising her daughter and inquiring which books her daughter had written so that they would be able to purchase those books. In response to their queries, our Dorm Leader’s mum would reply in a secretive tone, “My daughter’s extremely low-key, and refused to tell me which books she had written. Thus, although I told you about this secret, don’t go around spreading it either. I’m worried she would be unhappy about it.”

In the four years that I was enrolled in University, the Dorm Leader managed to cheat me out of innumerable meals. As a result, I managed to learn her trickery skills in its totality. Thus, when it finally became my turn to author a book, the following situations frequently occurred in my home:

Mr. F: “Are you going to continue writing your book tonight?”

“Yes I am, but I’m really hungry right now.”

“What do you want to eat?”

“Hotpot.”

“Who eats hotpot at night??”

“But I will only have the requisite amount of energy to churn out my drafts when I’m full! In addition, I would definitely be required to stay up tonight.”

“Alright.” Mr. F relented, and brought me out to eat hotpot in the middle of the night. I ate till my tummy was bursting, and crawled onto the bed the minute I reached home.

“Aren’t you planning to stay up tonight?”

“Aiya, it’s too late tonight. I’ll sleep earlier tonight, so that I would be able to wake up early in the morning and continue writing my novel.”

Of course, I only managed to drag myself out of bed at noon the very next day.

A certain person gnashed his teeth angrily, “I’m never going to believe your nonsensical words in the future!”

007

Recently, a lady left me a message on Weibo, of which the contents were mostly praising Mr. F. When she neared the end of her message, the lady added that I was a “female as strong as the Eiffel Tower”.

I immediately proceeded to convey the main points of the message to Mr. F whilst leaving out the portion praising him. Having heard my speech, he asked me in an extremely serious tone, “When she said that you’re like an Eiffel Tower…… Is it because of your weight?”

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! It’s because I’m strong, dammit!

008

I decided to dispense some advice on Weibo: ‘Even though I’m proudly showing off my romantic relationship every single day on Weibo, one’s life cannot only consist of romance. Romance is the icing on the cake in one’s life, but it will not be a life-saving straw that saves people from drowning. Besides being youthful and loved by men, it is more important for females to expend huge amounts of effort in studying, and continuously improving oneself. With an increased amount of knowledge and greater warmth and gentleness, one would be able to successfully increase one’s self-worth and build up one’s confidence. Look at the bigger picture – the world is greater than you think it is. You should aspire to travel the world and grow together with your partner, instead of seeking warmth from each other whilst struggling to survive.’

After I posted my highly mature thoughts on Weibo, I felt extremely proud of my clear thought process and high intelligence. Thus, I proudly recited the passage to Mr. F.

When Mr. F heard it, he stroked his chin in dissatisfaction, “Ah, so I’m only the icing on the cake……”

009

A certain person is extremely dissatisfied with many other issues. For instance, this fellow has showcased his strong refusal to read the book that I had written, on the ground that I was excessively dramatic. However, this fellow was simply unable to repress his bursting curiosity – thus, whenever I faced the computer and started typing words in a frenzy, he would pass by with a cup of tea before sitting down beside me in a seemingly unconcerned fashion.

There were several occasions when I burst into laughter after having written a hilarious passage. During such times, Mr. F would immediately put on a disdainful expression and ask, “What are you laughing at?”

Me: “I suddenly thought of the first time we became deskmates. That day, I suddenly ran to the seat beside you and sat myself down. As you were listening to music, I tried to break the ice by asking what you were listening to. You put on a straight face and told me that you were listening to Beatles – and all this while, you had an extremely disdainful expression on your face.”

Him: “I said ‘The Beatles’.”

Me: “It’s all the same.”

Him: “It’s not the same! You must be detailed and careful when you’re writing.”

Me: “Yes yes yes.”

Him: “’At 15, we used the same class desk…’ This is wrong – since we started school in September, you were already 16 then.”

Me: “……”

Yesterday, having taken a glance at my table of contents, Mr. F became extremely dissatisfied.

“Why is it that, in a book written about me, the phrase ‘my dearest’ is only used for Hao Wu Yi?”

“Don’t be so conceited – whoever said that this book is written about you?” f𝘳𝚎𝐞we𝐛𝑛𝐨𝘃e𝘭.co𝘮

“Are you saying that the book isn’t about me?”

“It’s about my youth.”

“But isn’t your youth about me?”

I was at a loss of words.