I Should Have Just Died

Alyssa couldn’t help but cry. It was because she had no one to stand by her side. Ever since she was old enough to perceive the world and speak poorly, she had to keep an eye on her surroundings.

No one told Alyssa that she could cry.

The tears were rolling down, leaving traces on Alyssa’s cheeks.

Seidrick watched it, holding his breath.

“……Actually, I’m not okay.”

A burst of sincerity came out of Alyssa’s mouth.

“Nothing was okay. I didn’t like people who insisted that I pretend to be okay.”

The maids also forced it on Alyssa. No one cared about her situation. As such, Princess Alyssa’s authority was lower than that of a maid who wiped the floor. Some secretly abused Alyssa in order to satisfy the queen and to satisfy their own resentment. What could a child do in the face of the queen’s hatred of her, a byproduct of the king’s affair in the first place?

The little princess fell flat, longing for affection, and obeyed.

“People who are good to others who are not me have often become bad people to me. Easy Alyssa. The queen hates Alyssa. Alyssa can’t do anything if she wants to.”

Outwardly, Alyssa was a well-educated princess, but she was not deceived. She was dying even though she was not dead. Alyssa’s lips trembled.

“Everyone looked down on me. I was treated worse than a bug. Sometimes I starved, and there were times when they didn’t even give me a blanket in the cold winter. They did everything they could to me, as long as it did not damage the outward majesty of the royal family.”

The traces of abuse she suffered as a child made Alyssa who she is today.

Alyssa is inexperienced and not accustomed to revealing herself. Alyssa pursed her lips. Amid so much trouble, she was barely holding it in because she was sullen and about to cry. Alyssa doesn’t think crying would make Seidrick scold her, but…

“I, I was trying not to cry….”

Seidrick lent a hand to Alyssa. His long fingers ran through her weeping tears.

“I … I just wanted to show you my pretty side….”

Alyssa sniffed her nose.

After falling in love with him, she was no different from any other Ladies. Alyssa, who was not interested in dressing up, spent all morning in her dressing room this morning. There are more than five dresses that she changed into today.

She couldn’t even sleep properly at the thought of seeing Seidrick after a long time, so she covered her dull face with make-up.

Alyssa, who had never commented on makeup, struggled to say ‘make it pretty……. Very pretty,’ and the handmaids did their best. Her face, which she hated for always looking pathetic, looked pretty today.

But all of that was to no avail.

Alyssa rubbed her face.

“…… Actually, there are many things I want to do and many things I want to have. How greedy I am. But I couldn’t do anything…… I wanted a book, and I wanted pretty shoes…… I couldn’t even get those words out….”

Alyssa giggled, revealing all the sorrows from her childhood.

Seidrick was silent, only wiping away Alyssa’s tears.

The tears, dripping down her chin, flowed into his heart.

In Belgium, Seidrick met a man known as a ‘psychotherapist.’ He is a doctor who heals the mind. Although he was skeptical at first, Pauline recommended it. In fact, Seidrick also had a distorted inside, so Pauline hoped to have it healed this time.

Seidrick didn’t do much there.

Acknowledge the past, confide in it, and be comforted.

It is a big part of the process of achieving human mental maturity, the doctor said. And if he wants to improve his relationship with Alyssa and really wants to get her forgiveness… He advised that he should care for Alyssa’s past.

It’s the fastest law when you think it has been too late.

Just because an adult who spent her messy childhood looks okay on the outside doesn’t mean she’s okay on the inside.

He said to comfort her past and said that he would be able to talk about the future after that.

Seidrick talked with the Doctor for quite some time.

He also confided in Alyssa’s published Clemore novels. The Doctor listened carefully to Seidrick and diagnosed that Alyssa was suffering from severe depression and that she was the type of person who could be driven to death at any time.