The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Xie Cheng finished asking, and quickly added: “Of course, I’m just asking, you don’t have to have children if you don’t want to, or maybe interspecies reproduction is not possible...”

“Isn’t an octopus the one with eight legs?!” What kind of preposterous question was this, “Our offspring will definitely have two legs!”

Hearing about the two legs, Xie Cheng seemed to heave a huge sigh of relief, but then, as if recalling something, he continued carefully: “What about fur? Will there be a lot?”

“There will be fur, but only growing in the right places, like the hair on the head! We Mu Yi Star people look like this originally.” Lan Xi pointed at herself: “This is my true form, with two legs!”

“This is your true form?”

“Yes!”

At this point, Xie Cheng finally seemed to relax completely: “Then there’s no problem. I have no more questions. We can take everything else slowly.”

Lan Xi actually still wanted to explain about the breeding incubators on Mu Yi Star, but unfortunately the noisy commotion coming from outside Jinlin Clubhouse soon deprived her of the opportunity—

"Princess! How could you take a husband without notifying us!"

"Princess! This son-in-law of yours, he must pass our inspection first! Old Zhang here will examine him for you!"

...

Following the voices, weren’t these exactly those entrepreneurs, shareholders and industry leaders who had blended in as Earthling tycoons?

These middle-aged men had all originally been smiling, but upon seeing Xie Cheng next to Lan Xi, they froze in place, as if jammed...

...

Xie Cheng was equally embarrassed inside. He still remembered that it wasn’t long ago when he had angrily denounced these business big shots as perverts. He didn't expect to meet them again in this way.

Although it was hard to relate, but by analogy, these people were like Lan Xi's fellow townsmen, and elders at that. No matter what, he should be more polite and courteous.

Xie Cheng coughed and was about to cordially say a few polite words to showcase friendliness, but he saw President Lin's eyeballs roll as he seemed to make up his mind. Staring deeply at Lan Xi, he shouted loudly with the air of a martyr walking to his death—

"Yes, we booked another KTV session, Princess. We are indeed lacking in virtue and propriety for our age and still playing around like youngsters, enjoying roleplaying games where we spend money to hire people to act as princesses and wait on us hand and foot. But it was consensual, just some special fetishes that aren't against the law! Can perverts not exist?! Yes! We were perverts when young, and now we are old perverts!"

After President Lin’s impassioned speech, he looked at Lan Xi with eyes that said he was willing to jump into boiling water for her, voluntarily taking on the label of "pervert".

Although he didn't say anything outright, even Xie Cheng could sense President Lin's sacrifice through his gaze, all to protect Princess Lan Xi’s identity from exposure...

...

President Lin had pushed aside an important shareholders meeting to come today. He really cared about Lan Xi. He didn't expect to run into Xie Cheng here again!

No matter what, today was the joyous occasion of the princess introducing her husband. Her identity must not be revealed at all costs, otherwise the Mu Yi Star people's years of concealment on Earth would come to naught...

Faced with the big enemy before him, President Lin couldn't come up with anything better to say at the moment.

But admitting he was a pervert was still better than acknowledging he was an alien and exposing the princess's identity! 𝚏r𝗲ewe𝚋𝐧𝚘vel.𝚌𝚘m

And so, President Lin took the lead and voluntarily took on the label of "pervert".

At worst, he would suffer another tongue-lashing from this Earthling brat Xie Cheng, or the other party would call the police and force him to send lawyers to handle it. Or this brat would expose him in the media and news...

Although it might affect his reputation somewhat, if he could preserve the princess's identity, then he would become a hero of Mu Yi Star!

President Lin was filled with a sense of self-sacrifice for the greater good.

He had been lying low on Earth for many years. It was time to weather the coming storm!

Yet the storm President Lin envisioned did not arrive. What came was an even more violent storm than he could have imagined—

Instead of the furious expression from last time, Xie Cheng looked extremely calm. He merely raised his eyelids slightly, and the look in his eyes as he gazed at President Lin was filled with complex emotions.

Then he smiled.

Things were not going right!

President Lin’s alarm bells rang violently, but before he could make heads or tails of it, he heard Xie Cheng say calmly: “President Lin, pleased to meet you. I have always greatly admired your investment foresight.”

??

Xie Cheng said flatly: “I am the husband.” He glanced at Lan Xi and succinctly supplemented, “Currently dating your princess.”

President Lin gaped, completely unexpected this turn of events.

It was then that Wang Zhiqiang, who had earlier sensed something amiss and left to take an incoming “wife call”, finally showed up fashionably late. President Lin looked towards Wang Zhiqiang pleadingly.

Wang Zhiqiang didn't know about the earlier happenings. He smiled obsequiously at Xie Cheng and Lan Xi, then turned to President Lin: “President Lin, it looks like with your outstanding judgment, you recognized our son-in-law at first glance! Indeed, our remarkable and extraordinary son-in-law with his unique temperament and elegant demeanor can be discerned by anyone with eyes to have that innate nobility and grace befitting his status, a perfect match for our princess!”

“......”

Wang Zhiqiang clearly wasn't cognizant of the situation. Still smiling, he called to President Zhang behind President Lin: “President Zhang, didn’t you say you wanted to examine our son-in-law? Go on then, hurry and assess him!”

Although Xie Cheng was innocent and had nothing to hide from Lan Xi, hearing about an “assessment”, his body tensed up nevertheless. After all, these were aliens from the same planet as Lan Xi, who knew what kind of assessment methods they had and whether he could pass.

But before Wang Zhiqiang had even finished speaking, President Zhang behind President Lin already stepped forward, an awkward look on his face. Just when Xie Cheng steeled himself for the examination, President Zhang casually looked Xie Cheng up and down, then immediately reported three numbers—

“188, 69, 19.”

After reporting them, he nodded at Wang Zhiqiang: “Excellent. He passes.”

Xie Cheng was confused, not comprehending at all.

On the other hand, Wang Zhiqiang looked at Xie Cheng in astonishment. He glanced at Xie Cheng’s lower body: “President Xie, such an outstanding 19 even when flaccid! Truly excellent!”

He turned to look at Lan Xi: “Princess, you’re fortunate! Congratulations Princess! Happy for you Princess!”

At this point, even Xie Cheng understood what those numbers represented...

Wang Zhiqiang smiled as he explained: “President Xie, what you don’t know is that the capable ones basically all remain on the home planet. Us drifters roaming the cosmos and Earth naturally have more... mm, more useless abilities. That’s why we couldn’t make a name for ourselves back home and came out here to work...”

“Take our Princess for example. She belongs to a very popular type back on Mu Yi Star, top of her class in combat and close quarters battles, but she doesn’t care for theoretical classes like Emotional Studies 101, which she didn’t even take. So she tends to be somewhat oblivious and confused in emotional affairs. President Xie, I’m afraid expecting sweet talk from her would be impossible...”

“As for me, I always came first in Emotional Studies, just that my physical abilities are non-existent. But coming to Earth, this top Emotional Studies ability of mine immediately allowed me to find a loving Earth wife.”

“What I didn’t expect was that while our abilities don’t amount to much back on Mu Yi Star, causing us drifters on Earth to be looked down on, these very abilities allowed us to find our niche here, and through hard work become leading figures in various industries and fields here... So Earth has become like a second homeplanet to us. Here we found a sense of home!”

"So rest assured, we are different from the Princess. The Princess's goal is to conquer Earth and then complete her training before returning to our home planet, but our goal is to live in peace and harmony here on Earth..."

Wang Zhiqiang was speaking without thinking, but Xie Cheng was listening intently. He frowned slightly: "Conquer Earth? Return to the home planet?"

"Yes, that is the Princess's responsibility. In order to better conquer Earth, our experts from Mu Yi Star even compiled a Guide to Conquering Earthlings for the Princess. She has been studying it diligently!"

Wang Zhiqiang wouldn't have said anything, but as soon as he did, Xie Cheng understood.

So this Guide to Conquering Earthlings was what Lan Xi had called the guide her family left for her?

Xie Cheng said solemnly, "Where is that guide?"

Wang Zhiqiang was still grinning before, but when he saw Xie Cheng's expression, he immediately realized he had said the wrong thing. He stammered, "It's, it's with the Princess herself. Why don't you ask her for it next time? Haha, it's just a guidebook, don't worry too much about it...I, I have to text my wife back!"

After saying that, Wang Zhiqiang slipped away. But how could Xie Cheng not be concerned?

So Lan Xi was always talking about conquering him, and after that she would return to her home planet?

But there were more pressing issues right now. Because of the rumors spread by Xie Jing, he and Lan Xi were currently in the spotlight. After the group date, Xie Cheng had originally planned to drive Lan Xi back to the employee dormitory, but when they were three intersections away, Lan Xi received a text from Liang Di:

"Lan Xi, don't go back to the dorm yet! There are some suspicious looking people who seem like reporters with cameras waiting downstairs..."

...

Although he knew Lan Xi had physical strength no ordinary person could have, Xie Cheng's first instinct was still to worry about her safety rather than others.

She wasn't an autistic patient, that was good, but she was still an alien princess who didn't understand the dangers on Earth with her simple mindset. So keeping her by his side was the most reassuring thing to do.

Oblivious to what the Earthlings around her were thinking, Lan Xi happily followed Xie Cheng back to his villa. The neighborhood was more spacious and private than the employee dormitory.

Xie Cheng believed he had no ulterior motives. After all, Lan Xi was a princess, how could he let her stay in an employee dormitory?

Still, he couldn't help blushing, remembering how Lan Xi had earnestly set an alarm. His expression was also somewhat unnatural and slightly nervous.

Self-control. Xie Cheng believed he possessed this trait.

But thinking that the person sitting next to him in the car was actually a princess made his blood rush faster in excitement and disbelief that was difficult to calm.

Oblivious to the inner thoughts of the Earthlings around her, Lan Xi was thirsty and simply murmured it. Xie Cheng immediately stopped what he was doing and went into the kitchen to heat up some milk for her.

But just after Xie Cheng finished heating the milk and was about to bring it out, a miserable scream came from the living room.

"Help!"

Xie Cheng rushed out of the kitchen almost instantly, only to see Lan Xi rushing towards him in panic with a pitiful expression. Without giving Xie Cheng any time to react, she leapt onto him like a koala bear. Caught off guard, the freshly heated milk in Xie Cheng's hands also met with disaster, spilling all over both their chests.

Yet everything in the living room was normal. As Xie Cheng held Lan Xi, he looked around but saw nothing amiss except for the little cat he had taken in meowing.

...

Of course Xie Cheng didn't think anything of it, but Lan Xi was scared to death! Why was that cat still here!

Lan Xi cried out in fear, "Cat...make it go away. Cats are so scary!"

Only then did Xie Cheng belatedly realize: "You're afraid of cats?"

Lan Xi nodded vigorously. "Cats are the mortal enemies of us Mu Yi Star people!"

Xie Cheng was taken aback. While he couldn't understand, he knew every planet's creatures had their own taboos. Cats were furry and cute to Earthlings but were perhaps very dangerous to Lan Xi.

First he carried Lan Xi to a guest room before going downstairs to put the cat in another room.

Fortunately he hadn't given this cat to Lan Xi earlier. Otherwise she wouldn't have just been unhappy, she might have even seen it as a declaration of war.

**

Alone in the guest room, Lan Xi was scared out of her wits. But not long after, Xie Cheng dealt with the cat and knocked on her door. He brought Lan Xi a set of clean pajamas and a towel, along with a freshly heated cup of milk.

"You're covered in spilled milk. Take a shower first."

After putting down the milk, he was about to leave, but Lan Xi was still frightened and called out to Xie Cheng. "What about you? Xie Cheng, where are you going? Can you stay in the room with me?"

Xie Cheng was taken aback, then his ears turned slightly red. "That's not appropriate. I can't stay in your room while you shower. That wouldn't be proper, moreover my clothes are stained with spilled milk too so I need to take a shower as well."

Showering of course required taking off clothes.

"You're about to take off your clothes to shower yourself, and you're telling me to take off my clothes to shower too. And it's just the two of us alone together in this villa..."

Wasn't this exactly the kind of sly tactic used by the unscrupulous Earthlings Xie Cheng had warned her about before?!

"Isn't a situation like this exactly what you called having ulterior motives? You said that when encountering people like this, it's perfectly reasonable to call the police or give them a beating..."

Hearing Lan Xi's words, Xie Cheng finally realized. He hesitated for a moment, clearly wanting to explain but also couldn't help laughing. "So you want to give me a beating?"

Lan Xi was conflicted but soon made up her mind. "I guess not." She mumbled, "Don't want to hit you."

She glanced at Xie Cheng again then nervously averted her gaze, though she didn't know what she was nervous about. In a low displeased voice she added,

"It feels like I can't bear to hit you, don't want to hit you."

"I'd be unhappy if I hit you."

Wang Zhiqiang said Lan Xi had never taken any emotional intelligence courses, so her emotions were ignorant and insensitive. One couldn't expect to hear sweet nothings from Lan Xi's mouth, but to Xie Cheng, this was perhaps the most genuine, heartfelt confession he had ever received in his life.

When he learned that Lan Xi conquering him involved some Guide to Conquering Earthlings, Xie Cheng had minded. And when he learned Lan Xi hadn't even taken any emotional intelligence courses, he felt somewhat disappointed. His pride prevented him from asking further, afraid of getting an answer he didn't want to hear.

Lan Xi, as an alien princess, could she truly understand an Earthling's affection?

Yet in this moment, Xie Cheng finally realized these worries were completely unnecessary.

Lan Xi hadn't taken any emotional intelligence courses, but that didn't mean she was unable to perceive emotions. Xie Cheng felt she had no need for a guidebook, because she had already successfully self-taught herself.

Without a doubt, he was in love with Lan Xi, just as Lan Xi was in love with him.