Tomodachi no Imouto ga Ore ni Dake Uzai

“M-Mashiro’s name is Tsukinomori Mashiro, a-and she will be attending this school from now on. Uhm, ehm, well, actually… Ooboshi Akiteru-kun and Mashiro… are actually going out.”

That stay had already started with trouble.

A sudden transfer student, a sudden invasion of beauty, a sudden declaration of a relationship.

—Because of this sudden wave of information caused by her self-introduction, my fellow classmates looked like they had just gone down a jet coaster ride. And—

“She’s going out with Ooboshi…? Seriously…?!”

“Ehhh, her beauty is wasted on Ooboshi.”

“Just when I thought that we had finally gotten a cute transfer student… Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!”

“Who even is this Ooboshi guy?”

I was swallowed by a flood of questions and more questions and resentment. And also, to that last guy — at least remember the name of your classmates. To be fair, I don’t remember their names either, so I can’t talk all high and mighty about it. On any other day, my presence would have been on the same level as mere air, but as soon as the word ‘Lover’ was brought up, I had their full attention, huh? Just how much are these adolescent bastards hoping for a love life?

“Okaaay, question! Where did you meet Ooboshi-kun?”

“Eh? Uhm… the toilet?”

“Hm?”

Hey, you idiot. Don’t do something as stupid as telling the truth. No wait, that wasn’t even the first time we met. Can’t you think of a more — how do I say it — normal situation? Like, something from ten years ago or something? At least try, will you?

“Uhm… Mashiro doesn’t really remember. S-Setting that aside… I’m looking forward to studying with you all!”

Mashiro hurriedly lowered her head, cutting off the conversation, and headed towards her seat. All of the other students let out a collective sigh of disappointment, but let it go.

Yeah, this is reality. Though this development could straight come out of a light novel or an anime, this is without a doubt really happening.

Well, it might garner some attention for around an hour, but other people won’t stay interested for much longer than that. It’s just human nature. Since she’s a beautiful transfer student, she might receive the idol treatment, but as soon as word gets out that she has a boyfriend, those idiots surely will be smart enough to hold back. It seems like Oji-san was right about this. Just what you would expect from the president of a world-wide business. Hanging her head from embarrassment, Mashiro hurriedly sat down on the seat next to mine. As if it were something completely natural, the seat next to me was mysteriously open today. Just how much influence does that old man really have? Did he blackmail our school’s president or something?

“Let’s both do our best,” I said to Mashiro, flashing her a bitter smile.

When I did, Mashiro’s tension-filled expression softened, and…

“Don’t talk to Mashiro, you perverted evil toilet god. Mashiro won’t forgive you, okay?” she said with a frigid tone of voice.

“Even though you were just acting like shyness personified. Why do you turn into a queen the moment I talk to you?” 𝙛𝘳𝒆𝒆𝒘e𝗯n𝗼𝘷𝚎𝚕.𝒄૦𝓶

“Because Mashiro hates you. That is all.”

“Do you even have any intention of pretending to be my girlfriend?”

“Not really. They’re all just ignorant people. If we just state it as fact, they won’t think too much about it. Mashiro won’t pretend to be close to you even if it’s an act. Don’t look at me.”

“No, it really doesn’t work like that…”

We whispered back and forth in a volume quiet enough for other people not to hear. Even though I thought that we would at least act friendly at school in order to increase the credibility of our claim, Mashiro clearly lived on a different island.

“Hey, are they really going out?”

Just as I had expected, we attracted gazes from all over the classroom.

“That transfer student looks super pissed. It looks more like she actually hates Ooboshi?”

“Idiot. It’s exactly because they’re a couple that they fight like this. Your parents fight all the time too, right?”

“That’s right! Now that you mention it, this thorny atmosphere seems pretty real!”

…I can hear everything, you bastards. But I’m glad they’re all so stupid. It seems like we might be able to play this off without having to do that much. The problem of course is from here on out. Setting aside these mob characters, even a loner like me has some people who I have to explain this situation to. One of said people pushed their body forward from their seat behind me and quietly raised their voice.

“I’m really surprised… Aki has a girlfriend? Were you keeping it a secret before now?”

“Ozu… sorry, explaining it would take too long, but I can assure you that you’re totally wrong about that.”

“Ah, well. I thought that there might be something off.”

“The fact that you’re so considerate saves me a lot of time.”

“—Does it have anything to do with that?”

“……Well, yeah.”

I really have a considerate friend. Of course, he already knew that I had to strike a deal with President Tsukinomori. After all, he was involved as much as I was. That’s exactly why I need to explain this situation to him later.

…But how should I even explain this?

“Well, I’ll give you the details later, but the short version is that we’re acting as a fake couple.”

Yeah, that was probably an acceptable explanation for now. In response, Ozu laughed.

“You’re like the protagonist of a rom-com.”

“You’re one to talk. A while ago, that student council president called out to you. You know, that really beautiful girl.”

“The computer in the student council office broke down, so she just wanted me to take a look at it.”

“But why would she go so far to specifically ask for Ozu, one year younger than her? That clearly shows that she’s interested in you, man.”

“Naaaah, if I really thought that something as trivial as that meant that she liked me, then I’d be a joke of a man.”

“There are other instances of this, you know. In the shopping mall in front of the train station, you bumped into that mysterious girl. That crazy girl that ran away without paying for her taiyaki. You must’ve met her before at least once, right?”

(TLC: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taiyaki)

“It’s true that I see her from time to time in front of the station. It’s just a total coincidence, though. She asked me to treat her to some taiyaki.”

“You’re totally her target, I bet.”

“Dude, where’d your rational thinking go? Bumping into a guy and asking to be treated to a meal? That’s totally fraud.”

“So you didn’t treat her?”

“Of course I didn’t? She ran away when I went to call the police.”

Woah, rational thinking.

“You’re the pinnacle of a protagonist. You just raise flags wherever you go.”

“Ha ha, I think that Aki is just reading too much into it.”

In this world, there are people who were born to carry the weight of being protagonists. This friend of mine, Kohinata Ozuma, was probably born under such a star. He’s a chosen being. We’ve been friends for about three years now, and as far as I can tell, he’s the personification of a rom-com protagonist.

While hundreds of men get such chances only once in their lifetime, he’ll meet a beautiful girl almost weekly. On the roadside, at school, on the internet. In the strangest of places. Not to mention that all of them clearly show their affection towards Ozu. And the person in question isn’t one of those catcalling types of people, either. Not at all. Actually, he doesn’t seem to be interested in love in the slightest. Instead, he pursues his own hobbies of programming and the appreciation of otaku culture, as well as immersing himself in the creation of games. He’s a true otaku who stays true to his ways. Even though he shows no interest in meeting girls, he just happens to anyway. And the person himself isn’t even aware of it.

Who else could you call a rom-com protagonist if not him?

“The only thing that’s missing is a brocon little sister and it would be perfect… Well, that’s pretty impossible, I guess.”

“Because Iroha is in LOVE with Aki after all~! Aki is the protagonist from my point of view, though.”

“No, that’s impossible.”

Around me, there are only girls who hate me. Such as the annoying Iroha, or my new seat neighbour Mashiro, whose aura was currently saying “Talk to me and I’ll kill you.” It really is sad.

“Mhm… I really don’t want to be called an oblivious protagonist, though.”

“If Iroha gives me a reaction like blushing from ear to ear when she sees me, then I might believe you.”

Well, that’s probably less plausible than heaven and earth rotating backwards.

*

After first period ended, we had a short break. My first real interaction with Mashiro had already happened. Namely, I let her look at my workbooks and whatnot. Whenever our hands got anywhere close to touching, though, she would jump back like she was allergic to me and glare at me with cold eyes. When I realized that this would probably happen another five times before school ended, I could only sigh in defeat. I could practically feel my studying efficiency dropping, maybe because of the stress.

Something like this might even turn a big positive into a negative even though I’m going to gain a lot from this deal with Oji-san…

While I was busy thinking that, a single male student walked over towards me with a big grin on his face.

—Woah, this gives me shivers. What’s up with that face? It very clearly says something like ‘I’m gonna ask a really awkward question now.’ It’s actually quite impressive that he can give off that vibe just by making a face.

“Ooboshi~ dude, you actually had a girlfriend.”

“…Well, yeah.”

Let’s try to answer indifferently.

“You already have that Kohai you seem to be pretty close to, right? I totally thought that you were going out with her.”

—Ehhh?

Hey, normally you wouldn’t say things like that if my girlfriend was sitting directly next to me. Though Mashiro won’t get jealous for her fake boyfriend, I don’t even want to picture the scenario if she really did. Is this guy just an idiot who can’t read the atmosphere, or is he jealous of me being this beautiful transfer student’s boyfriend? Either way, he was already being a pain.

“That’s just Ozu’s little sister. We’re just acquaintances, and we’re totally not like that at all.”

“Ohhh~ You looked really close though. A while ago, she even came here specifically asking for you, right?”

“She wanted some advice she couldn’t talk about with her older brother.”

“Seriously? That sounds weird. Are you sure that you’re not hiding something~?”

Even if that were the case, I would have no reason to tell you about it.

Since I was getting more and more irritated with the conversation, I decided to take a more radical approach.

“Since you seem to be starving for some love talk, should I tell you something nice?”

“Ohh, what is it?”

“You’ve been aiming for our homeroom teacher, Kageishi-sensei, right?”

“Eh, how do you know that?”

That’s because I’m perfectly informed about this class’ human relationships. Though Ozu is the only one I can call an actual friend, and I have no circle of communication besides him, I’m always carefully watching my surroundings. In this society, information is the one and only legally allowed weapon. You never know when it will be of use. I always have my antennae out. Though I always keep my cards close to my chest.

“She’s pretty famous after all. There’s a lot of rumours surrounding her.”

“Her cold gaze really is great. Being strongly scolded by her made me feel like a new door in my life had opened.”

“How about it? Do you want to know her favorite type of men?”

“Eh? Well, of course I would if I could. But that’s pretty impossible, isn’t it?”

“It’s simple. I heard it from a teacher she’s on good terms with.”

“Seriously?! Hey, please tell me! I’ll do anything to make her mine!!”

And he immediately fell for it. His brainpower really is lacking. I’m really worried for his future.

“Apparently, Kageishi-sensei likes men who like macho men.”

“Mhm? Wait a second. What did you just…?”

“I’ll say it again. She likes men who like macho men.”

“Not just macho men?”

“Not just macho men, but men who like macho men. Basically, she likes men with a muscle fetish.”

“Seriously? Macho men, huh?”

“Seriously. Macho men.”

“So… if I were to show her my love for macho men, then…!!!”

“Kageishi-sensei’s love will be yours alone.”

“Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“Yeaaahh!!!”

We did a high-five. Of course, that was all just made up. Even though I had only made it up in order to roast him, it really made me feel like dying. But with this, this idiot will walk around the school boasting about how he has a muscle fetish. I watched his back while he gleefully returned to his seat and clapped my hands together to perform a small prayer.

Congratulations on the premature end to your adolescence.

“……………”

“Hmm?”

I felt a gaze from my side, and I looked over. Of course, the source of the gaze was Mashiro.

Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare.

She was looking at me so intently that I could almost hear it.

Maybe my actions just now were a bit too much. Yeah. I’m sorry, I also think that I’m annoying. Please let me apologize.

—When I returned a gaze filled with these thoughts…

“……Hmph,” she averted her eyes with a displeased expression on her face.

—Well, that makes sense.

All right, let’s reflect on our actions and not play any pranks on my annoying classmates anymore. She’ll probably cheer up sooner or later.

I thought that. I was naive.

Rather than cheering up, Mashiro’s mood reached its lowest point after second period.

Even though I moved closer to let her have a look at the workbooks, she just stole them and exchanged them for some light novels that she was reading. Since I had no other choice, I read through them during class, but they were all rom-coms with dense protagonists. It’s not really a genre that I strongly like or dislike, but what was she trying to achieve by having me read them?

And when it was time for our next break—

“Mashiro’s hungry. Go buy her some rice balls. They’d better not have anything besides seafood in them.”

“Huh? Why should I run your errands for you?”

“A boyfriend would do that, wouldn’t he? Or should we just stop our pretense here?”

“Guh… I get it. I’ll just buy you one.”

—And just like that, I became her errand boy.

Mashiro pushed unreasonable demands on me, teased me for absolutely no reason, and kept our exchanges short. This continued until 3rd period. Just because our reunion had the worst possible outcome doesn’t mean that you have to treat me so horribly! Way back when, she was just an introverted, cute cousin. Where did her education go wrong? She didn’t act like this during first period. Just after our break, it had gotten way worse.

…Don’t tell me, she heard that I was on friendly terms with a female kouhai, and now she’s jealous… or something?

—No, that’s impossible. Mashiro isn’t my real girlfriend. She’s just a fake girlfriend who hates me to the bone. There should be no reason for her to get jealous.

Is the flow of time really this cruel? When we were younger, she would always trot after me like a pup, but now she’s like the Ice Queen often featured in light novels. She only talks to me to give me orders or to tell me how much she hates me. Comparing her behaviour to Iroha’s, this is a whole different level of being annoying. Pretending to be Mashiro’s boyfriend until graduation could end up being even more tiring than I could have ever possibly imagined. Can I really clear the mission Oji-san assigned me and find my place under his wings?

As I spent my time grieving over what was going to happen from now on, 4th period started. When the bell rang, the atmosphere inside the classroom changed dramatically, like a storm was approaching.

—That’s right, it wasn’t Mashiro who was most deserving of the title “Queen.” What was about to begin was the real “Queen’s time” — the class of the most-feared “Poisonous Queen.”

Rattle!!!

The door opened. Just from that, the faces of all the students present froze. While tension and silence ruled the classroom, only the sound of high heels tapping on the floor could be heard. The female teacher, with her hair bound upwards, Kageishi Sumire, stepped behind the teacher’s desk, and wordlessly watched the students in front of her. She glared at them with a gaze that transmitted her bloodlust…

“It seems like the ape exhibit is closed for today.”

Seeming satisfied with her dominance of the classroom, her lips formed a faint smile.

“…Then let’s start class. Page 127, the third formula,” Sumire rapped on the teacher’s desk with a ruler.

At the same time, like soldiers in training, every single one of the 40 students opened their workbooks. Though this might be different from the classes so far, this was only the beginning for Kageishi Sumire’s normal classes.

“Now, it’s time for some questions. If anyone doesn’t understand something, please raise your hand.”

“………!!!”

Here it is — is what everyone’s expression right now was saying.

Though everyone had gotten pretty used to it after one year, the same couldn’t be said for early in the semester. In normal Japanese education, once the teacher had explained the contents of the workbook, they would go on to ask more difficult questions. But, for Kageishi Sumire, it was the opposite.

“Teachers that only review via the workbook have no more value than rubbish. What’s written in those should be read by the students. If there’s something that they don’t understand, then it’s a teacher’s job to help them.”

Those words that Sumire had said during her first lesson were still engraved in my brain. At that time, I felt understanding for her sentiment, and I agreed that this might be a wonderful, efficient way of thinking.

…However, even with this leadership technique, there will still be people who won’t follow along.

“I’m sorry. I forgot to read the workbook,” a student wearing glasses said, lifting his hand.

I see… that’s quite rebellious. In this class, he’s known for being quite the prodigy. He’s definitely not the type to forget something like that. Judging from that fact, he probably didn’t forget about it at all; he just didn’t read it. The reason he was saying this was simple.

“Ah, can we stop this already? I want to be taught normally from the start.”

A proposal to change the current routine!

After taking a good, hard look at said student, Sumire sighed, and said…

“I see, what a shame. Do some self-study on it later, then.”

With those few words, shut down the student’s rebellion.

“B-But… Um, this way of doing it really is weird. I’ve never heard of anything like this before.”

“Yeah, it figures. After all, it’s because I conduct my class differently from other people.”

“T-That’s irresponsible!!! In the end, you just have no intention of properly teaching us at all!”

“Irresponsible? This coming from the person who didn’t properly prepare for class?”

“Guh…!”

A splendid response made the student swallow his words. And she continued with a follow-up.

“If you keep going against the people who give you instructions, you’ll end up poor for all I care. But I won’t take responsibility for that. My way of teaching guarantees success, and that is my way of taking responsibility.”

“Grrrrr…!”

“‘Keep your promises,’ ‘Be strict with yourself,’ ‘Immediately report errors to the higher-ups…’ these are all qualities sought by society. Anyone who can’t attain them is nothing more than human garbage.”

“…Uuuu…”

“Always keep that in mind if you want to become a proper human being. If you understand, then sit down.”

“…Y-Yes…”

The male student awkwardly sat back down in utter defeat. Normally, the eyes behind his glasses brimmed with confidence, but he had been robbed of that by those few words.

—She’s as eloquent as ever. This teacher really doesn’t know when to hold back.

“Then, next question?”

From start to finish, that stiff atmosphere continued to rule the classroom during that period. After what felt like two or three periods combined, the bell finally rang.

“—It’s over, huh? Read through page 135 for the next class. That’s all.”

After she said these words, the atmosphere relaxed. Sumire picked up her materials and was about to step out of the classroom — when she suddenly stopped and turned to look at me. Because of this unusual action on the part of the “Poisonous Queen,” I suddenly had the full attention of the other students around me.

…I feel like I’m getting a lot of attention recently…

“Ooboshi-kun. Come to the guidance counselor’s office during lunch break.”

“…Why?”

“You should very well know why,” She said in a low voice while glaring at me with a murderous gaze.

“I see… I understand.”

“Then make sure to be on time.”

Sumire-sensei left only these words behind, and the sound of her heels grew distant as she left. And when that sound had completely vanished—

“Hey, Ooboshi, are you going to be okay?”

“What do you mean?”

The classmate who didn’t normally talk to me, Takashi (temporary), raised his voice. He was without a doubt a normie.

“You’re going to be face-to-face with the queen in the guidance room… What the hell did you do?”

All of them only gave me special treatment in times like these. Well, I can’t blame them this time. After all, the guidance counselor’s office is basically known to be Sumire’s domain. She would call over the students who got a failing grade or were late to class. Behind locked doors with no way to peek inside, she would educate them one-on-one. Rumour has it that a yankee with a mohawk and nose piercing came back one hour later, completely reformed.

So it makes sense that I would attract attention if I was called to the “Poisonous Queen’s” castle like that. But, since I wasn’t that much of a big-shot, I calmly responded.

“What did I do… Maybe something that deserves the death penalty.”

“That’s a pretty big deal. Why are you so calm about it?”

“It’s fine. I won’t die that easily,” I said nonchalantly and stood up from my seat.

Ozu stopped me before I could walk away.

“…Are you really fine?”

“Even Ozu’s worried about me? Don’t worry, ok? I’ll be back soon.”

“…Y-Yeah.”

I showed Ozu a faint smile and stepped out of the classroom. He still seemed a bit worried.

Now then, from here on out it’s war. Let’s see what tricks you have up your sleeve, “Poisonous Queen”-sama.

*

“Please excuse me.”

I politely knocked three times, minding my manners. “Come in,” said a young-sounding woman. I slowly opened the door. What greeted me inside were various torture devices. And, while gazing at said objects, Kageboshi Sumire spoke.

“You were fast. Are you that prepared to die?”

“I didn’t want to waste even a single second.”

While Sumire let out an ominous laugh, I took a seat on a nearby chair. Watching me with a cold gaze, she stomped her heels and pushed herself up from the chair, walked towards me with a demon-like expression on her face, and…

“Akiteru-sama, I’m so very sorry!!!”

…Kneeled down in front of me. With so much force that the floor seemed to cave in a bit. It really was splendid form, like a salaryman kneeling down in front of his boss.

“It seems that you are aware of the sin you committed, Murasaki Shikibu-sensei.”

“T-That gaze filled with bloodlust…”

“Of course. I hurried here to give you your time of death as fast as possible.”

“Uuu… But but but! Since my preparations for the midterms weren’t done at all, I didn’t have any time to work on the illustrations!”

“It seems that you still had time to watch ‘My Honey,’ though?”

“Work and hobbies use different stomachs!”

“If wonder if we could fix the problem if we cut off the satellite broadcast for all eternity.”

“D-Demon!!! Are you serious?! I’ll die if you take anime away from me!”

“Yes, that would be taking it a bit too far…”

Kageishi Sumure. Pen name: Murasaki Shikibu-sensei.

To think that the “Poisonous Queen,” who reigns over her students in the classroom and lectures them whenever she has the chance, is actually an illustrator who never manages to be on time. By the way, all the torture devices in here are actually fake, and are just here to scare all the students and teachers off so that she can secretly draw without being interrupted.

“‘All of you pigs who aren’t on time, pack your things and leave immediately,’” I quoted to her.

“Ughh…”

“‘You people who are the same as newborn pigs, protecting society’s laws is the first thing to learn. Just when will you actually grow up to be human beings?’”

“Ehhh…”

“‘Protecting one’s promises, being strict with oneself, and reporting errors to the higher-ups immediately; humans that can’t do these things are nothing more than useless trash.’”

“I apologize! I’m so sorry! But that ‘Queen’ character is nothing more than a roleplay of mine and it’s certainly not because it felt good being a bossy teacher towards the studeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeents!!!”

With tears in her eyes and snot running down from her nose, the “Poisonous Queen”-sama was trying her hardest to apologize.

Ahhh, I so want to take a picture of this and send it to the class’ group chat… Well, I’m not even a member of that chat, but still.

This cold-hearted teacher, or rather good-for-nothing teacher, should really thank me for not having many friends.

“It still surprises me that you can say stuff like that out loud.”

“I can’t help it, can I?! As I teacher, I have to uphold my dignity! Otherwise the order in the classroom will be destroyed by those normies and hooligans, you know?!”

“There aren’t any students like that nowadays. Where did you even get that information from?”

“That’s how it always ends in those mangas!”

“Well that makes sense I guess.”

In general, the problems lie within the class itself. But stop using manga as a reference for your education techniques, okay?

“Haaah… It’s not like that way of teaching is wrong or anything.”

If you’re just going to write stuff on the blackboard, you don’t need teachers. It should be enough to read through the workbooks instead. I have to agree with her on that. Because of that, you can learn independently, and using the additional information provided by teachers, you can strive for the most efficient study methods.

“Well, whatever… So how far are you with the illustrations? Let me see your progress.”

“Ahh, about that. For now…”

Sumire took out her tablet, and she started deliberately acting cute for some reason—

“…Something like this… I guess?”

—And showed me a blank page.

“I’m sure that we can use some of these torture objects in here, right?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”

“What do you mean ‘Something like this?!’ Are you looking down on me on something?!”

“I meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, I can’t help it, I’m in a slump after aaaaaaaaaaall!!!”

“Then ask me for advice. Before it’s actually too late.”

“Ehhh, if I said that I was in a slump, then my cool image would go to ruin, don’t you think?”

“Where’s this ‘cool image’ of yours right now, huh?”

“Ouch, ouch, ouch, I’m sorry I apologize please stop hitting all the good spots on my stiff shoulders please! Aheeeeee, it’s gonna break!”

While I forcefully pushed down on her sensitive spots with my fingers, Sumire let out a shriek and some heavy wheezing. She then proceeded to sink down on the floor with an ahegao, convulsing and twitching.

By the way, the spot I just hit is called the ‘Kensei.’ Though I’ve never really experienced being touched there, it seems to be quite effective. While I was searching for the most efficient healthy state for studying, I researched a lot of different spots inside the human body.

“Really… Nobody would ever guess that such a scary teacher would actually be this much of a useless human being…”

“Ahiiii… E-phen if you shay that…”

“Well, the beginning of our romance wasn’t exactly decent, either—”

I remembered back to it while looking down at the collapsed female teacher.

*

lt happened during summer break last year—

It was the hottest day on record for the past several years. And it had to be on this day that I was grumpily heading to an international exhibition. A certain otaku event with a long-running history, where a lot of talented people gather.

—I went to NatsuComi to gather information.

My goal was to find an illustrator. I had already found a developer in Ozu, so the only people left to find were a scenario writer and an illustrator. To be honest, trying to find a pro or semi-pro in this mass of people was quite the reckless plan, not to mention that I was a high school student trying to scout them. I knew that from the very beginning. They would probably only take it as a joke or something. However, I still continued to walk down the aisles with all the different illustrator booths, handing out business cards and making my offer over and over.

I wasn’t able to strike a deal on the first or the second day, and my third day was rather uneventful so far—

After being rejected by the 78th artist, the fateful encounter finally happened. It was a booth with several assorted derived works from a popular shounen manga. The cover showed a pretty young young man being toyed with by a well-built Onee-san, who was glaring at him with a rather stimulating gaze. The depiction of the boy made even me feel excited, because it felt so real. It really gave off those Onee-san X Shouta fetish vibes.

(TLC: Older woman and young boy)

…They’re good.

Not to mention that I searched for the circle and illustrator name, but the only thing that I could dig up was the homepage of the circle, with no records for sales or anything. Realizing that she wasn’t working for any company yet really got my hopes up.

A person of this level is completely free?! Seriously, this is a hidden treasure trove.

“Uhm, I’m sorry. Is the person who drew this book present, by any chance?” I asked the person selling the books. I didn’t know whether she was just a cosplayer or just a friend of the illustrator, but she looked at me with a really troubled expression.

“Uhm, ehm, dear guest… Um…”

When the vendor called out, the person inside the booth—

“Is it an editor from a publishing company? Ahh, I would be thankful for that, but our business is—”

—Turned towards me, already in the middle of declining, but she froze the moment she saw my face.

…Yeah, it was also quite a shock for me.

To think that our school’s most feared teacher would be drawing erotic doujinshi. Especially ones that featured a middle schooler and a beautiful teacher.

*

“It’s not like I have any extensive knowledge of the laws surrounding it, but having a second job as a civil servant is strictly prohibited. Strictly speaking, even selling doujinshi is a rather gray area,” I said.

“I-I can’t help it. If I gave them away for free, the value doujinshi in the marketplace might fall down… I have quite a lot of respect for this event, you know.”

“That spirit is very admirable, but still…”

She does have impressive confidence. She must think that her pictures aren’t of a level where she should give them away for free. And she’s actually pretty right about that. The Onee X Shota doujinshi of Kageboshi Sumire, or rather Murasaki Shikibu, had even better quality than I had anticipated. You could probably serialize this in an ero manga immediately without any problems. So why is it that she didn’t choose being an illustrator for a job, but rather become a math teacher at a high school?

“Still, it really was the best meeting ever for me. I can ask for high-level illustrations whenever I want without any downside.”

“Uuu… you fiendish man… threatening a teacher. I can’t believe it…”

“Shouldn’t you blame yourself for showing me your weakness, you shotacon female teacher?”

“Ugh…”

“Not to mention that just drawing this genre ended your luck.”

Main job: Female teacher.

Hidden face: Onee X Shota artist.

Not to mention that in her works, the young boy with a pretty face always gets seduced by the teacher. Though the age range was anywhere from grade schooler to high school student, the fact that it was totally immoral doesn’t change.

“And the best thing is that you’re actually living in the same condominium on the same floor.”

“I was shocked too, you know?! Now I can’t even hide when I’m not at school!”

That’s right, the name of our team, ‘5th Floor Alliance’ only came into being because all of its members coincidentally lived on the 5th floor of the same apartment complex.

By the way, the scenario writer Makigai Namako-sensei is the only person not living in our condominium. Even though there’s a free room on the 5th floor, we decided against it in the end. We already have a very popular Sensei writing the scenarios for us, so asking him to move here would be too much. Apparently he was able to write such magnificent scenes and stories precisely because he was living in solitude, so we decided to just leave that as-is.

Well, enough of the origin of the name of the ‘5th Floor Alliance’ for now.

“Let’s get back on topic—”

To show my change of mood, I crossed my legs on the chair I was sitting and looked down at Sumire.

“If you don’t want the school to find out, you know what to do, right?”

I restarted my threatening.

“Finish… the illustrations…” Sumire answered, still kneeling on the floor.

But she immediately lifted up her head, seeming to have remembered something.

“I’m still in a slump, you know! If you want me to finish the illustrations, you have to help me get my motivation back up!”

“That’s also a job of the producer. I’ll do anything to get your illustrations.”

“—Did you just say anything?”

“As long as it’s something I can do. Of course, I won’t prolong your deadline.”

“I wouldn’t wish for something that unattainable. It’s just something from Akiteru-sama’s body that I need.”

“Fufu,” Sumire let out a grown-up giggle with a bewitching smile, only to say—

“For now, take off your pants and show me your dick.”

………

……

“…Hello, is this the police?”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnoooooooooooooooooooopoliceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeestoooooooooooooooooooooop!!! I don’t want a disciplinary dismissaaaaaaaal I just want my wageeeeeeeeeeees!!!”

“Shut up you obscene bitch of a teacher! What did you just say? I dare you to ask that one more time!”

“But but but but!!! This time, I have to draw a male character that I have absolutely no interest in, you know?! If it’s a shota, my pencil moves on its own with just my fantasy, but I can’t do it like this!!!”

The world’s worst spoiled child. This is the first time I’ve ever been tempted to use that phrase.

“But why start with a dick? And why not just look one up?”

“I can’t draw without a naked image in my head. Your silhouette can change depending on your clothes, right?”

“You’re not wrong, but still.”

“There might be people who can draw with just a vague image… But in my case, if I do that, the quality of my drawings will drop. I can’t lower my standards!”

She’s suddenly very serious.

…Well, her words and actions are one thing, but her obsession with drawing is the real deal. That’s why I kind of want to respect her wish, but—

“I get 95% of your reasoning. So what’s the other 5%?”

“Seeing the doggy of an active male high school student would be a sight for sore eyes.”

“Hello, is this the po—”

“I’m lying! That was a lie! A female-teacher-like joke!”

“As if I could ignore a joke like that.”

It seems like her ability to think went to shit after pulling an all-nighter. Maybe that’s why her poisonous verbal abuse has been so weak recently.

“Haah… for now, it’s time to sleep.”

“I’m sorry. Boys older than ten are a bit…”

“I’m not asking for sex here.”

Still, being disregarded like that kind of hurt. But I ignored the pain my chest and continued.

“I’m saying that you should sleep and get a clear head again. You were probably panicking because of your slump, which is why you didn’t get enough sleep, right?”

“…Eh, disgusting.”

“Do you wanna pick a fight with me, you bastard?”

“Ahh, I wasn’t trying to badmouth you or anything! It just sorta came out of my mouth!”

“What kind of cover-up is that?”

“‘Ahhh, he’s totally reading my thoughts’ — or something like that. That’s what I meant.”

“Of course. We’ve been talking almost every day for a year now.”

“That’s why you were able to guess it so perfectly… Yeah, I haven’t been able to sleep at all lately,” she sighed and put a hand on her cheek.

When she makes those kinds of expressions, she really looks like a beautiful, grown-up onee-san. If only she were always like this.

“For now, sleep. And eat something, so that you’re fit enough to draw. I’ll give you half a day more for the deadline.”

“Mhm, thank you.”

“Then I’ll be going.”

I won’t overstay my visit, since my classmates are the types of people to quickly make up dumb rumours.

I stood up from my throne-like position, softly waved at her, and was about to leave the student guidance room, but suddenly—

“—Ah, wait. There’s something else I want to talk about.”

“Something else? Did you do something other than not make it in time for the deadline that you also have to apologize—”

“No! Can’t you trust me at least a little bit more?!”

“You have the nerve to say the word ‘trust’ with that mouth? — So, what is it?”

“I’m talking about Tsukinomori Mashiro-chan.”

“…So that’s what this is about?”

“Yes. I’m not saying this as the illustrator of ‘5th Floor Alliance,’ but just as a teacher. Oobohshi-kun, I heard that you’re her boyfriend—”

“That’s fake.”

“I thought so.”

When I immediately affirmed her suspicions, she believed me without a doubt. On one hand, I’m happy that she trusts me, but on the other hand, not a single one of these bastards actually believe that I could get a girlfriend.

“When I went to talk with President Tsukinomori, he forced her on me as a condition to our agreement.”

“Ahhh, I see…” Sumire muttered, only to lower her head. “I’m sorry. You have to deal with so much just for us…”

“Since it’s a WIN-WIN, you don’t have to apologize to me or thank me. I won’t just forsake the everyone in the alliance like that. And as for Honey Play, I just chose the best way for Ozu, you, and I to move forward. Since you, a grown-up, can’t act like one anymore, it’s up to me.”

“That’s true, but still…”

“The one thing I hate the most is idleness. Especially the waste of talent. And seeing you being forced to act as a teacher even though you clearly don’t want to is something I can’t ignore. That’s why I’ll take whatever unreasonable condition is dished out.”

“………”

Sumire looked me with an expression like she wanted to say something but couldn’t.

—Well, I don’t want to dig any deeper here. Not meeting face to face, acting like you didn’t see anything, and continuing to live your life gleefully. That’s far better.

That’s all that’s important.

“We received orders from the school on how to treat that girl. To give her a seat next to Ooboshi-kun, to keep her away from the problem children, and other precautions… And in the middle of that information, something caught my eye.”

“That she was a shut-in before transfering.”

“…So you knew. Do you know the reason, too?”

“No, I didn’t ask that. I don’t like digging deeper than people want me to.”

“I’ll tell you just in case,” Sumire brought her face closer. “That girl — apparently she was bullied.”

I could guess as much. Though there might be several reasons for becoming a shut-in, the choices were limited in this particular case. And being bullied was the first thing that came to mind.

“A classmate leaked something like a secret of hers, and she was severely criticised.”

“A secret?”

“We didn’t get any more details from those responsible.”

“Well, it makes sense when you take the feelings of the parents into account.”

I feel like I’m starting to understand why Oji-san chose me to be the fake boyfriend. He didn’t want to create a situation where Mashiro didn’t have a single ally in class. I may be a loner, but I’m still a boy who is able to shield her from danger.

“Since that’s how it is, I’m asking you to look after her case, as well as the case with Tsukinomori-san. So that you can continue to enjoy your current student life.”

“…Fine.”

“Fufu, thank you. Ooboshi-san really is meddlesome.”

“That doesn’t sound like a compliment.”

“It totally is. After all, thanks to you, both Ozuma-kun and I are able to do what we’re doing right now.”

“…My lunch break is going to end soon, so I’ll be going now.”

“Fufu, you’re being flustered.”

I heard the faint giggle of a female teacher who had regained her posture from behind my back.

Thinking that I should end this on a good note, I turned back around and showed her a bitter smile.

“I’m still not going to prolong your deadline any more, you know?”

“Tch.”

Hey.

*

「Although I thought that Sumire-sensei was quite the dangerous person, it seems like she really thinks about her students too. She might say some crazy things during math class, but she actually has the logic to back it up.」

「That’s some crazy praise there, Ozu. Then how about you become her boyfriend so that I can get more illustrations from her?」

「No, even someone without any sense like me can’t do anything that toxic. I’ll leave that to Aki.」

「…I’m also just a normal high school student, though?」

「Again with your jokes, ahahahaha.」

「Stop with the scary laugh!」