Tomodachi no Imouto ga Ore ni Dake Uzai

The bell rung, notifying the students that classes had ended for the day. There were students who went home immediately when they were released from school: The going-home club. There were also those who turned to their respective club activities, as well as those who stayed late to study in the library. And in the middle of all of these people, I looked at the Snow White princess sitting next to me.

— I guess I’ll look after her. Since Oji-san even asked the homeroom teacher, I have to help out as well. Though I’m sure that the she’ll cut in with her poisonous tongue as soon as I finish a sentence…

“Hey—”

“Don’t act like my boyfriend.”

Rather than a sentence, she interrupted me after a single syllable. Do you even plan on acting like a real girlfriend, Mashiro-san? Like, ever?

“Ohhh, this is that traditional performance art. If I remember correctly, it’s an endangered species as of late. It’s called ‘tsundere,’ right?”

“Those are the type who hate acting close in front of others. It’s the art of transience and imperfection, shown by a woman who displays the feminine virtues of old Japan. It’s wonderful to look at.”

“This poisonous tongue is total wife material, don’t you think?”

The students who had stayed in the classroom were now discussing the conversation that had just happened.

You guys. Just take a closer look and you’ll see immediately that our affinity is at its lowest. It seems like even if Mashiro and I started fighting, they would probably smile at the situation like an old couple watching a younger couple fighting.

And, realizing that, Mashiro’s reaction to them was…

“U-Uhm… P-Please don’t look at Mashiro like that…”

Mashiro looked flustered, and her cheeks slightly went red. She ducked her head like a turtle hiding in its shell, hurriedly gathered her belongings together, and rushed out of the classroom. I could only look at her back, and softly grumbled to myself.

“…That attitude is too different from what she shows towards me…”

Ozu had a bitter smile as he came over. “Ahahaha. She doesn’t seem like a bad girl, though.”

“Rather than lovers, you couldn’t even count this as being friends. How can I look after her like this?”

I felt like Ozu the protagonist would have been able to pull through somehow if he were in my place. And now that I’ve taken on the role of being her fake boyfriend, I can’t allow something like that to happen. Knowing Ozu, Mashiro would have probably fallen for him in the process, and no doubt that would have drawn Oji-san’s wrath.

“Is there no good method or anything? What should I do to make up with this displeased queen?”

“Hmm. Now that her affection is this much in the negative, I wonder.”

Is a guy who always starts at maxed affection really allowed to say that?

“Well, it’s not like our current distance is really that much of a problem, but—”

At this rate, I would like to avoid constantly sitting on pins and needles while going through my student life. And that should be the same for Mashiro.

“…Well, that’s a problem for later. For now, let’s just go home. Are you coming, Ozu?”

“Ah, sorry. The president asked me for something.”

“President? …Ahhh, that beautiful student council president? She really seems to have taken quite the liking to you.”

“I’m just the guy who does odd jobs. You know how bad I am at refusing.”

“Really? That might’ve been the case up to middle school, but…”

“Anyway, that’s what it is. I can’t go home together today. Sorry.”

“Well, it can’t be helped. Work hard.”

Work hard on conquering the beautiful student council president route, of course.

“Yeah, I will. At doing assorted random tasks.”

—This damned dense protagonist.

While thinking such thoughts, I sent Ozu off as he left me behind.

It seems like I have no one else to go home with, huh? Well, whatever. I’ll just take a look at the app rankings as I leisurely stroll home.

With these thoughts, I wandered towards the shoe lockers, and I was in the middle of changing into my outdoor shoes when…

“—Guha?!”

“Who~ is~ it~?”

Suddenly, something rammed into me from behind. Well, the identity of said object was pretty obvious. There’s only one person who would assault me in such a way while I’m minding my own business.

“This voice that hurts my eardrums as soon as I hear it. It can’t be anyone but Iroha.”

“You’re exaggerating!” A loud high-pitched voice that resembled a bell.

By the way, I called it a bell because it keeps echoing inside my head. Annoying.

Clinging to my back, Iroha’s warmth and her sweet aroma were both directly transmitted to me. She doesn’t even use any perfume. Trying my best to ignore my accelerating heartbeat, I calmly responded.

“What do you want? And let go already.”

“Since Senpai would probably turn into a loner as soon as school ended, this cute Kouhai here thought that she would cheer you up~!”

“That’s none of your business. And how often do I have to tell you to let go?”

“Heeeh, so it’s fine if I let go?”

“…What are you implying?” I asked, feeling some sort of hidden meaning behind Iroha’s words.

With a grin that seemed to congratulate me for noticing it, Iroha continued.

“You didn’t notice? This soft, jelly like—F-E-E-L-I-N-G~?”

“Ha? It’s probably just your breasts a—gain…?!”

“Ahaha, so you just noticed it, Senpai~?”

Shit, are you serious? No, that’s impossible.

I don’t know too much as I haven’t experienced it in person, but I still hear rumours from time to time.

After reaching a certain age, girls are supposed to wear a bra. Both for their own good and because of all the hidden wolves inside us men. That has become the norm for society. And said bra should at least slightly lower the soft feeling of a girl’s breasts. If they felt too soft, then the girl wasn’t wearing a bra—

“Senpai~ Actually— I forgot to put on my underwear today. And right now, the front of my shirt is completely unbuttoned.”

“S-Stop lying. I won’t fall for that. How would you even end up like that?” I forced out these words with a dry throat.

After all, in the position we were in, there was no way for me to tell if Iroha’s words were true. 𝘧𝓇𝗲𝑒we𝙗noѵ𝑒l.𝐜o𝘮

“It seems like my breasts have been getting bigger again~ My shirt is so tight~ So when I went to shift my position, boom, the buttons flew off~!”

“Wha— Don’t tell me…”

“Yes! The moment Senpai turns around, this will turn in a R-rated accident!!! Yay!!”

This girl is saying this in the most carefree way possible.

“Hey, stop with the bad jokes already.”

“Ahahahahaha! I’m totally serious. I’m embarrassed, so I can’t let go, kyaa!”

“Don’t go talking in monotone now.”

Shit. Iroha knows that it would be bad if I had a girlfriend, so she’s trying to close the gap between us in order to trouble me. Really, why does she hate me like this?

—But she wouldn’t go so far as to push her naked breasts against my back, right? This has got to be just another Iroha bluff. There will be absolutely no problem at all even if I turn around. Yeah.

………………

…………

……But what about the one-in-a-million chance?

It’s true that her saying that her breasts were growing so much that her buttons popped open sounds like a total lie. But, what if it’s true and I ignore it, and I actually end up showing all the passing students her naked breasts or something? That I still cannot do. It’s not that I really care what happens with this annoying girl, but she’s my friend’s little sister. I can’t give Ozu grief by letting his little sister be judged for public indecency.

But I can’t keep this position up for much longer. Right now, I’m officially going out with Mashiro, so if people see this and make up strange rumours, it won’t take long for Oji-san to catch wind of them, and that would probably spell the end of our deal.

That is the one thing that I have to avoid at all costs.

“Fu fu fu, there’s nothing you can do anymore! Something like that~! If you give up, I might be willing to let—”

“You’d better not regret this, okay?”

“———Eh?”

“While protecting your decency, I will protect my entire existence. With total ease!!!”

“Eh, wha — wai, hyaa?!”

I slightly dropped my hips, put both of my hands on Iroha’s thighs, and grabbed on. And in one fluid motion, I stood straight up. In response, Iroha hurriedly put both her hands around my neck and started clinging to me.

—Like that, we had arrived at the “Piggyback Ride” position.

“S-Senpai, this is too embarrassing, so let me down! Let me down let me down let me down!”

“It’s better than having your breasts seen, right? Or are you saying that it was all just a lie?”

“Muuu…! Y-You…!”

Iroha ground her teeth together, seemingly conflicted for a moment, but finally…

“I-Is it really fine, something like this? If someone sees us like this, people will think that we’re a flirty, lovey-dovey couple, right?”

“That’s not a problem.”

“Eh, hyaaaaaaa?!”

With Iroha on my back, I started running through the entrance and around the back of the thicket, moving forward steadily.

“Wai—Hey hey, are you serious?! No hesitation at all?! What’s with this confident march?!”

“We’re just going home on the route where the least amount of people will spot us. There’s a perfect route.”

“Haaa?! Why do you have it all planned out like this?!”

“What are you saying? Of course I don’t have it planned out. I’m a man who likes to live efficiently, you know?”

In order to find the efficient way to do something, trying out all sorts of different ways is the most basic of basics. I was mentally tracing out all the different routes from home to school, no, to the classroom. From all of those, I just have to take the one with the least travel time, and with the lowest amount of passing students at this time of day.

“It’s occurred to me before, but Senpai totally isn’t just a normal high school student, is he?”

“No, I’m totally normal.”

“Lies! As if there would be a normal high school student like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!”

“If you don’t want to be found, keep your voice down, idiot. Hold on tight if you don’t want to slip down.”

In the middle of my high-speed acceleration, I said this to try to keep her mouth shut in case she wanted to voice more complaints.

Iroha’s body is surprisingly light. Even though she’s constantly eating and sleeping, she sure doesn’t lose her slim style. I wonder if I could find a correlation if I researched the lightness of her body compared to the emptiness of her head… No, probably not.

“~~~~~~~~~!!! ————?!”

“Hmm? Did you say something?”

“~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!! ———————?!”

I can’t hear it.

Because I was busy trying to anticipate where the people in front of me would look, and because I was running at full speed, Iroha’s words were lost to the wind, where they disappeared without reaching my ears.

“I… I give up, okay!!! So please let me down please!!!”

Maybe realizing that I hadn’t understood what she said, she finally gave up after we exited the back entrance of the school at a corner of the street. Separating her arms from my neck, Iroha started hitting me repeatedly on the back with tears in her eyes. In response, I turned my head around and looked at her.

“Before you give up, isn’t there something else that you should be saying?”

“Guh… I-I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what you’re apologizing for~”

“I-I’m sorry for lying and saying that I opened up my shirt and pressed my nude breasts against your back… I’m sorry.”

“Isn’t there something else that you should also be apologizing for?”

“I-I’m sorry for lying and making trouble for Senpai!!!”

“Wonderful~”

Satisfied, I released my arms from her thighs. And with that, she perfectly handed on the ground on her butt.

“Hyaa?! Uuu~ So cruel…”

“Compared to all the trouble you make for me, this is quite the kind punishment, don’t you think?”

“Were you never taught to be kind to girls?! You won’t get popular like that!!!”

“I was never taught to be kind to idiots, and I don’t plan on becoming popular either.”

“Muu…!”

When I turned around, I found Iroha, lying on her back, pouting. Of course, just as she had admitted, her uniform’s blouse was properly buttoned up like it should be. Though I’m happy that she didn’t have a wardrobe malfunction, her skirt was crumpled up as she lay on the ground, with her healthy thighs in plain sight. I quickly averted my eyes.

—For crying out loud, this annoying girl has the nerve to make me conscious of her. You’re totally not aware of how erotic you look.

“Uuuu, that was embarrassing. Getting a piggyback ride at this age~~~!!! So shameful~~~!!!”

“So you actually have a general understanding of what embarrassment means, huh? Now that’s some useful information.”

“Geh.”

I’ve been caught… Said Iroha’s face, and her cheeks turned red.

“You go on the aggressive so often, but you’re surprisingly weak to counterattacks—”

“N-No, it’s not like—”

“—To think that treating you like a kid would be this effective. Ohhh, ish okay, ish okay. Papa ish here~”

“Stop!!! I’ll cry! I’ll really cry!”

“Iroha-chan is such a crybaby, ahaha~”

“Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttooooooooooooooooooooooooooppppppppppppppp!!!!!”

Iroha held her head in her hands and screamed. She looked like she was about to faint in agony.

Ohhh, it’s working.

“My mother was always unable to let go of us, and she still treated us like kids even when we entered high school… and it had to be Senpai who found out about it…”

“It seems that you’ve finally learned to stop underestimating me.”

“Grr… Y-You’d better remember this! I might have lost this time around, but I’ll definitely have you in the palm of my hand next time, okay?!”

“Yeah, whenever you’re ready. It’s an easy win once I have your habits and my countermeasures down.”

Playing along is one thing, but what kind of ‘next time’ is she talking about? Well, not that it matters.

Iroha got up from her seated position and started grumbling with a displeased expression on her face.

“Ahhhh, I lost. Even though I decided to go on the offensive by pulling a no-bra.”

“Heh. I knew that you were bluffing from the very start and… What did you just say?”

“Hmm? I lost?”

“A bit later.”

“On the offensive?”

“—Whatever, I did hear it after all. I just wanted to escape reality for a bit.”

“Hm?”

Trying to escape from Iroha’s puzzled gaze as she stared at me in confusion, I quickly turned my back to her.

My heart is beating like crazy again.

——A no-bra is unfair.

I mean, it makes sense, since I felt their softness directly. At the very least, it had to be a no-bra. I felt like naked breasts would be taking it a bit too far, but—

To think that she would press them against me like that. I totally underestimated the girl named Kohinata Iroha. Would she go this far just to tease me?

…No, thinking rationally, that makes no sense. Would she really do something like that? Then… don’t tell me, she actually—

Are her feelings much stronger than I had anticipated? …She really hates me this much?

She would only do something like this to me. She had decided to use her womanly weapons to try to tease me. Though I don’t understand what would force her to go this far, the fact that she completely hates me is without question. If you ignored just how annoying she was, you could actually misconstrue this as a sign of her affection… Mhm.

“Iroha, you’re pretty amazing.”

“What are you talking about?”

While Iroha looked at me in confusion, I couldn’t help but admire this one part of her.

*

The piggyback ride had ended, and I was currently on the way back to my condominium with Iroha in tow. I remembered something and called out to Iroha, who still had her arms crossed. She was probably still sulking.

“Hey, I have a favour to ask of you.”

“Oh, what is it, Virgin-senpai? This nice Iroha-oneesan will listen to whatever you have to say.”

“It seems like you need a lecture from Papa again.”

“Ahhhh!!! Please stop that already!”

Yep. That’s pretty effective, isn’t it?

Iroha started to throw a tantrum again, but she probably realized that I was going to say something serious, so she calmed down shortly afterwards.

“…So what is it?”

“There’s something that I need to ask of the girl who’s always annoying me in every possible way.”

“Ahaaa, now that’s quite the rude way to ask a favour, isn’t it?”

“—What do you think I should do to make up with an annoying girl?”

“…………Huh?”

Time stopped.

Iroha froze in place, as if she didn’t know what she had just been asked. After a long pause, she finally opened her mouth.

“Eh? What is it, Senpai? Did you fall in love with a girl or something?”

Her voice was shaking like she was the president of the U.S. and the world had just been invaded by aliens. Not to mention that her whole face had turned white.

Listen, even if you make that kind of face, is it really that bad for me to find someone I like? Well, I don’t have anyone in my life like that anyway, so who cares?

“It’s not that, you see—”

I started explaining the circumstances. How I had been working for the sake of everyone from the ‘5th Floor Alliance.’ About my important mission I had received from President Tsukinomori. About the fact that I had to act as the fake boyfriend of Tsukinomori Mashiro. About the fact that she had a lot of trouble before she transferred, and how Sumire had asked me to look after her. About how I had been thinking if it really was fine to keep our current relationship like this, and if it would only ruin Mashiro’s high school student life even more.

—Yeah, I think I did a great job explaining the situation.

Iroha seemed to be a bit perplexed at the start, but the longer I explained, the more her face turned into one of understanding.

“Ahhh, okay, okay. Senpai really likes to meddle, doesn’t he?”

“It’s just for my own good, you know?”

“Mashiro-san, was it? There shouldn’t be any need to act all friendly with her, right?”

“You’re not wrong about that, but I don’t want her to end up all alone, you know? It’s really just for the sake of my ego.”

“But this meddlesomeness is also one of Senpai’s good traits,” Iroha let out a giggle.

Maybe she was reminiscing back to that particular time.

“Anyway, I have no clue how to make up with her. Even if I wanted to, she’s completely cold to me.”

“Your first meeting left the worst possible impression, after all~ To think that you would assault her in the toilet, hehehe~”

“I really feel sorry about that, you know…”

“It figures~~~ You’d better reflect on that, haha.”

She says, but she shows no intention of actually blaming me. That’s just who she is. She’s always annoying me, and she really is an annoying girl, but she never criticizes or blames me. Even when I was explaining the toilet incident, she was just laughing the whole time. And I certainly don’t hate that part about her. She’s really easy to talk to, after all, and even though she’d be perfect if she weren’t so annoying, sometimes I feel she’s a godsend.

“Hmmm, a closed-off beautiful tsundere with a poisonous tongue. Well, she’d be standard fare in an eroge, that’s for sure…”

“Why are you talking about eroge? She’s just a normal high school girl.”

“It’s fine. There are some eroge that are made for all ages, you know. Eroge don’t always have to be R-18.”

“Memes are contaminating the world…”

“The progress of civilization is something wonderful, isn’t it~?” Iroha let out a gleeful laugh. “—Well, just leave it to me.” She puffed out her no-bra chest. “Since Senpai doesn’t understand a young maiden’s heart, I will teach you the way to capture Mashiro-san~”

*

「So her breasts were almost directly hitting you. Should I just beat you up right now?」

「Y-You’re wrong, Ozu. It’s not like I did anything weird to her…」

「Ah, that’s totally fine. Her life belongs to her, after all, and I’m not a siscon.」

「T-Then, why do I feel this dark aura emanating from across the phone…?」

「Well, now that you’ve arrived at this stage, I believe that your ‘I’m not popular’ claim is taking it a bit too far. I’ll just act on behalf on the grudges of all the unpopular people in the world, and take it upon myself to smash up this normie here.」

「Just whose feelings do you think you can act on here, you damned protagonist…?」